Monday, April 6, 2015

To Kill A Mockingbird

I'll explain why I used this title a little later- keep reading.

Do you know somebody with a broken heart?
Maybe the person in the mirror
Do you know somebody who’s gone too far?
Wishing maybe they could disappear
Do their best but it’s never enough
Can’t seem to get unstuck
All day long you keep yourself running
When your head hits the pillow
The questions start comin’ like.....The Red Roots

OK yeah I put the blog back up just to vent here instead of facebook or just my journal. My journal is chock full of RANTS.

If you really love someone, it doesn't depend on how they act. Do you love your child based on how they act? Unconditional love forgives, risks, sacrifices, gives and never gives up. You love someone because of who they are- you over look their flaws. You don't hold back, or say "I'll love you when you lose 20 lbs. Go to college. get a job..." That's Bull ---- That's control and manipulation. But I'd be lying if I said this realization didn't hurt. It hurts like hell.

Sometimes I'm tempted
Sometimes I am
I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that giant man
He was the line between pleasure and pain
But me and the feet have some years to reclaim
Sia "Little Black Sandals"

I'm going to go to the lawyers and really do this and he goes on his merry way and refuses to budge. The last time we talked about when he went to the counselor by himself (Only cause I tricked him and backed out at the last minute. He doesn't go BY HIMSELF only I do- cause I'm the one with the PROBLEM) he said he still wasn't happy because I haven't got a  (real) job. Truth is he'll never be happy with anyone or anything and his unhappiness with me has been making me miserable and suicidal. And my unhappiness is of no importance to him or my children. I feel like according to them I don't deserve to have ANYTHING I want. WHY??? Cause I'm an addict? No Was I unfaithful? No. I've been waiting and waiting for years. Sacrificing, taking care of the kids when he went through his hunting obsession and his house building obsession - his soccer obsession- Now I see I have been enabling his "socially acceptable" addictions. I always thought someday I'll have more time to write and finish my book. Someday we'll travel or go on a cruise for our 25th wedding anniversary (Which was in 2011!). Someday he'll finish my bathroom, this house, someday....NO you can't do any of that you MUST go to college and take nursing and work to get this debt paid off! Our debt that we have because we built the house (Like he wanted) with the plan HE WANTED and it was too big, more than we could afford. All our kids get to play travel soccer which is expensive and then there's the gas etc. They all should go away to college which is expensive but as long as they take what he wants them to take....Someone had to try to stop his insanity. I MADE him go to the recovery group at my old church. Now I can't even go to it myself because I got kicked out because of ungodly leadership. Someone lied on me and I didn't get ANY second chances like you are supposed to! This is supposed to happen TWICE before you are kicked out and you are supposed to get a warning! Now since Bob and I are separated but living together for the kids sake, (at least til Claire bear graduates and goes to boot camp in June) he just does what he wants which is drinking  every night especially after soccer then he goes to the bar and gets wasted. But he still goes to THAT church on Sunday!

Where is the person who would be brave enough to confront him? To ask him what his problem is? To ask him why can't he be nice to such a beautiful and intelligent creature? Why can't he tell her her dreams matter? Why can't he say I'm sorry I made you feel not good enough all these years. Why can't he say "I want you"? Why wouldn't he want to take me somewhere? Why isn't he thankful that I've been faithful to him all these years?

Boy, look at me in my face
Tell me that you’re not just about this Bass
You really think I could be replaced?
Nah, I come from outer space
Meghan Trainor

Why can't my kids be thankful for having such an awesome mom? I mean besides just on Mother's Day? Why can't they show me some respect the rest of the year? Sometimes I think, What's the use?

Surely I have cleansed my heart in vain,
And washed my hands in innocence. Psalm 73:13

I should just try some drugs. Get fricken wasted. I could've slept with that rock star Then a tall dark and handsome YOUNG singer called me a "hottie" and said he wanted to take me to dinner!? Shut up! What am I holding out for? They all hate me and don't want me. Think I'm a fat stupid idiot. I'm fricking crazy- cause trouble everywhere I go. I should be committed?! All the problems, the debt etc. these are all MY FAULT. Deep down I know it's not true but "sticks and stones" hurt!

The trouble started with my oldest son when he had his first girl friend and she happened to be black.  I wrote about that in my blog post Oh The Irony! without saying what the "problem" was specifically.

November 2014 was the worst month in my entire LIFE even worse than the month my mom died which comes in a close second. I felt utterly rejected by my family and then my church- it's a wonder I made it through and I put a comment on facebook that I'd like to have a brain aneurysm (and DIE) like a lady at church or get cancer like my brother- in-law or have a heart attack like a young woman I knew had had. I said this 'cause I know it's a sin to take your own life  and for attention, obviously:

Is anybody out there?
Does anybody know me at all?
Does anybody hear me?
I’m on the edge and I’m trying not to fall
Is there anybody strong enough to fix this mess?

The Red Roots, "Great Big Yes"

You know what happened? A couple of my "friends" were offended that I mentioned what happened to their friend. What?! I didn't say anything bad about her? This is a wonderful idea people! When's someones suicidal and feels worthless- heap some more GUILT on them maybe that'll get them to go ahead and do it- so you can be rid of them. I unfriended those people, they obviously didn't give a crap about me being suicidal and I was certainly no where's near as perfect, angelic and holy as their friend!

These verses describe perfectly what I do when I'm upset:

In the day of my trouble I seek (inquire of and desperately require) the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out [in prayer] without slacking up; I refuse to be comforted.
I [earnestly] remember God; I am disquieted and I groan; I muse in prayer, and my spirit faints [overwhelmed]. Psalm 77:2-3

I DON'T want to die I want to LIVE.  I need to remember he's  DECEIVED by the PRIDE in his heart. And like I said, he's a very unhappy person and I don't have to live with that misery any more!

They are not in trouble as other men,
Nor are they plagued like other men.
Therefore pride serves as their necklace;
Violence covers them like a garment. Psalm 73:5-6

The pride of your heart has deceived you,
You who dwell in the clefts of the rock,
Whose habitation is high;
You who say in your heart, ‘Who will bring me down to the ground?’ Obadiah verse 3

Your fierceness has deceived you,
The pride of your heart,
O you who dwell in the clefts of the rock,
Who hold the height of the hill!
Though you make your nest as high as the eagle,
I will bring you down from there,” says the Lord. Jeremiah 49:16

I was looking for the verse about the "deceitfulness of sin". I found it on Biblegateway:

Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God; but exhort one another daily, while it is called “Today,” lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end, while it is said:

“Today, if you will hear His voice,
Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion" Hebrews 3:12-15

 These are some things I posted to facebook since I no longer had this blog to "vent" on:

30 fricken years down the drain?! You would think it'd call for some deep soul searching maybe fasting and praying? For me -yes and my tears are in His bottle- must be a big bottle! This is not something that suddenly happened people! Or something that I flippantly decided to do. Im waiting to see what he does- grab another cold one. Help someone at church with their bathroom while mine sits unfinished another 15 years. I am Willing to stay with someone who WANTS ME these are not the actions of a man who wants me!

Don't get me wrong I love my tub. But really?! Any any other woman I know would've called someone to finish this 10 years ago but if I had? I'd already be divorced. I was afraid of his anger and disapproval and of being alone. Know what? I AM NOT AFRAID anymore Freedom is Awesome!

And I'm reading, "Starved for Affection" by Dr Randy Carlson. Excellent book. Do you know how many marriage books I have read? No neither do I. It's alot though- if it was one it would be more than he's read. He's up to date on all the news though.

I kept the puppy in disobedience. God forbid I have something I want. Now I realize what something real would be like. Someone who would be happy for me to have (or do- or be) something that made me happy. Wow revelation. I don't have to live like that kind of martyr always feeling like I'm disobedient and never feeling I am good enough for you.

Writing helps me discover things about myself. The author of Ella Enchanted said that. And so my procrastination with my book. It's cause I feel guilty for writing- it's something FOR ME. I'm not cooking or cleaning or doing something for the PTA or soccer boosters club. And then the vicious cycle begins again; I feel guilty so I pour myself into whatever I'm addicted to at the moment: helping people, food, social media, flirting back (I never start it!), chocolate.....I just have the more "socially acceptable" addictions - sometimes i start cleaning and I can't stop- Gee from the looks of this place it seems i should get to that right now! But no cleaning out of guilt and condemnation is wrong. There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus Romans 8:1

Food for thought: Before someone goes getting all mad at me for what I'm posting let me tell you why I did it: To spark a discussion- a healthy discussion- to get rid of the deception and denial of people who read my heart on my sleeve posts but all the time they pretend they're not. Our house is a peaceful place these days because we don't talk about the elephant in the room (or anything important really). So this peace is a faux peace from Satan that keeps us in denial and deception. And I so want to be done with denial and deception! So hey! Quit stalking you stalker (Oh the irony!) and lets talk about it. He who does what's right comes to the light. John 3:21

Truly God is good to Israel,
To such as are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled;
My steps had nearly slipped.
For I was envious of the boastful,
When I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

Psalm 73:1-3

Food for thought: A Chuck Swindoll quote that is in my book,  The Seven Story Tree: A Book of Poetry

One year a large section of a tree fell not far from where we had lived for over twenty-two years. Within minutes several of us had gathered to grieve the loss. As I stood there staring in disbelief, the thought struck me, This happened only minutes ago . . . but it's been in the process of happening for a long, long time. No tree just suddenly breaks apart. Once we were able to see beneath the thick bark at the break, it was obvious that some kind of killer disease had been at work for years.

****Now if somebody wants me to take down a blog post about them? All they need do is ASK. I took it all down for four months but I'm not going to again unless you ASK ME TO. Ask and you shall receive. Matthew 7:7 SORRY BUT I HAVE DECIDED THIS OFFER HAS EXPIRED! THERE IS A TIME WHEN IT'S TOO LATE TO REPENT TO CHANGE THE CONSEQUENCES OF BAD BEHAVIOR!

I met another Christian soccer mom with my last name and her first name was Liberty. She inspired this poem along with Kari Jobe and that coupon!

When I meet you, you become part of my story
It was the first days of Spring when I met you
I was enchanted and infuriated all at once
I couldn't believe it
I didn't know what to do
I would've loved to go with you....anywhere
It's somewhere I go, solo
Yet I am not alone
He's with me through the fire and the storm
Yesterday I met her, she had the same name as me- Liberty
Yes where His Spirit is
She is there
He amazes me,
He redeems me,
He calls me as His own
I will never be yours
But that's OK,
Cause I will always be

It's appropriate that I wrote this on #Worldpoetryday 3-21-15

I love you
I cook for you
I wash and dry for you
I pray everyday for you
I cry for you
I buy for you
I'd die for you
I'd take a grenade for you
Jump in front of a train for you
I stay for you

Cry Wolf
Catch 22
Following you?
Cause he cares?
Stalking like a wolf in the shadows
It's an empty trade but you do it well
You've got everyone fooled by the lies you tell
The better to manipulate you my dear
Where is the straightforward man (of God) who walks in the Light?
My knight
In your dreams

Which One?
Dichotomy, Irony
That's me
Transient yet stable and secure
Crazy yet sober and sane
Tied up on the tracks of the train
Why do you have to be so mean?
Purposely turning me green
I'm always trying to get lean
Always searching, reaching, striving
I should be flying
Torn in two
How long can I stand?
This Limbo land
It's neither here nor there
I'm not single, I'm not divorced
What am I?!
I am HIS
And it is enough
I will stay
Til he says go and not before
But I must get unstuck in this moment
And put my little black sandals on
Get walking the right way
He'll save my life today

Heart Break- Heart Brake
I so hate fake
How much can I take?
Let your heart break
Feel the pain
Grieve the loss
Stop the insanity
Didn't His heart break too?
Jesus wept
Over Jerusalem
Over Lazarus
Can we do less than He did?
But our hearts are cold
When we're not completely sold out to Him
Compromising with (just alittle) sin?
Will He spit us out
Of His mouth
Cause we're luke warm?
What should we do?
REPENT He said
He'll put our lampstand back in place
As He extends His mercy and grace

There's LIFE in The WORD
The wise woman builds her house on the rock
I know He has plans for me that are wonderful
I can do all things through Christ
I can be steadfast, immovable always abounding in His work
For I am his workmanship
I was made for this
My faith makes Him smile
He loves to shower me with His blessings
You won't see me begging for bread
He brought me to His banqueting table
And His banner over me is love
He loves me with an everlasting love
And rejoices over me with singing
I will praise Him seven times a day and forever
I will be His mouthpiece
And tell of all his wondrous works
He is my Alpha and Omega
Even before I was formed in my mother's womb He knew me
He called me
He says I'm His own, counts the hairs on my head
His precious thoughts towards me are more in number than the sand
My name is on His hand
If I make my bed in hell and awake in fear and torment
He IS there!
Now I know I can walk through the valley of the shadow
By my God I can leap over a wall
Mount up with wings as an Eagle
Rise from the ashes like a phoenix
Be wise as a serpent, Bold as a lion
Yet harmless as a dove
Win them with a studied mind or without a word
Impress them with a life of virtue
Or a word or a poem and song from Him
With chaste conduct, fearing God NOT man
Just as I am
Without one plea
cause He died for me!
Come to Him and taste and see
He can make us all FREE!

I often use a line (Or two or three) from a popular song or hymn in my poems, a quote from a book or a famous person but in "Fix You- Fix Me" I have a line from the movie, "Holes" There's an interracial relationship, a man in the movie helps out the school teacher by fixing things in her school house and as she tells him about the things that are broke he always replies, "I can fix that" If you haven't seen this movie- I highly recommend it. It stars a young, Shia LaBeouf. Since there's an anti racism theme, it goes well in this post. And the other "borrowed" line in this poem is from Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly"

Fix You Fix Me
I can fix that
He said to me
How can you fix a tree?
Your passivity is killing me
Your fear of man
and intimacy
I'm drowning
Crying a sea
Killing me
You can fix it all
But not me
I'm broken- can't you see?

Parallel Universe
I always find more irony- everywhere.
It's like there's a parallel- To everything
And my poem to him also applies to them-
All of them.
And they "throw away the keys that hold us dormant in futility"
And I put my "little black sandals" on and walk away
With my head held high- yet all the while hoping....
They'll come after me. Will they?
Like Bandie -my puppy, running wild and free...
I'm standing there with the door open calling her-
She appears oblivious-
Yet when I slam the door shut (wait a minute)
And open it again- she trots right in....
I won't look back though, lest I turn to sand...
It's in His hands...

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"Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird."

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