Sunday, November 1, 2015

Hope for a Tree

For there is hope for a tree, If it is cut down, that it will sprout again, And that its tender shoots will not cease. Job 14:7

You have the power to encourage others. Use it. Your passing word might be life to someone. Johnnie Moore

I've decided this is Part 2 to a very short post that was a quote from "A Man Called Peter" by Catherine Marshall on Words

So many things I thought were "normal" I realize now that they're NOT. Like fight, fight, fight to get something my way or something I want? I was always made to feel selfish. "That's selfish of me- let him/them have it their way" Like putting off doing something for our 25th (in 2011) after we pay off all our debt?..... Hello married people- this is WRONG.

Someone asked what do we fight about: NOTHING NOW. I just do what I want. Love God and do as you please as St Augustine said. My life has never been this peaceful! What's love? Love is wanting what will make the other person happy- their happiness comes before yours. I tried for 29 years to make him happy- now have I peace cause I realize it's just NOT possible!

Trying to get people to love you, who are so cold hearted they just don't know how is exhausting! And heart breaking. I've said it before but now I really mean it. I'm done. I gave it my all, tried my best for 29 years and not many people can say that and before you judge me STUDY I Corinthians 7. OK? God has called us to Peace. He doesn't want us to continue chasing after people who don't want a relationship with us. He does not even do that

So many things are clear now that I'm out of that FOG. Like WHY did I continue to fight fight fight my attractions to other men? All those years? I was "Starved for Affection" like Dr Randy Carlson wrote about. 

Claire Bear got alot of respiratory infections when she was little but it was OK cause Dr Al would take good care of us. Always very professional, no one knew I just had another crush. I'm a sucker for the tall, dark and handsome....Claire Bear: *cough* Mom: You need to go to the doctor. lol

It is a miracle that I never had an affair! It's only cause of God and my insecurity too. There were too many times I came too close! But He kept me from that and I am so glad! Every year Brother Jerry would preach on "Affair proofing your marriage" and he seemed to always start it off by saying, "No one plans on having an affair" and every year I thought of telling him; But I DID! I really DID! I remember vividly being so fed up with the unfinished house and regularly feeling neglected and unwanted. He was always gone and I was always alone with the kids! Once he had even said to me that he had a problem with lust cause of all the weight I had gained! (I weigh about the same now as I did then)

Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

Christina Perri

So one day during the building I called my best friend up and said, "I want to have an affair" I really DID! I was so sad and insecure you know what I thought? I thought I needed to lose weight first! But anyways I think Satan heard me talking to my friend and he found that soccer coach for me.

I think my next book could be, "The Adventures of Super Mom"

Like that time I met my favorite singer and he makes a pass at me.
I'm like OMG!!! I was completely flabbergasted for like a year. lol

Also for example who but me goes to the beach for Mother's day and meets two millionaires? They were quite the interesting couple, let me tell you. My heart went out to Tenielle  cause her mom was dying of cancer this is what brought her east (In her leer jet) as she lived in California. My first indication that she had money was when I said I liked her necklace and she said she got it in Costa Rica? Or somewhere in South America and then she added that she "wintered" there. I couldn't tell by how she dressed as she was sorta hippie like I am sometimes- bohemian style- she had said she liked my wolf purse and I said my daughter's didn't like it. They said they were going to have a "Purse intervention" haha She asked how many daughters I had and I said "Three" and then she said she had three as well. I hung out for a  little with her and her boyfriend that day. I wondered if she could give me a job but she couldn't. She said she knew nothing about business. Her boyfriend looked like one of the Duck Dynasty guys only he wasn't sharply dressed. In fact he might of passed for a homeless man! Yet that day on the beach he said he had more money than God. I beg to differ cause God owns it all! Best to back away from someone who says that kind of stuff as they might get struck by lightning! But no he didn't. God is merciful and I didn't argue with him. As the day wore on Tenielle got more and more wasted. And she really wanted me to bring my puppy on the beach and not to worry about the fine as she'd take care of it. If I were one to drink or "do" what they were doing? I could've got high as a kite all for free! I had very little in common with these two but just goes to show you I can get along with and befriend anyone! What I found so impressive is that the guy had been thrown out of a Marilyn Manson concert! Really?! What in the world did he do?! Another guy they were traveling with was supposedly on the program "Deadliest Catch". Tenielle wanted to fix me up with him but I said I wasn't divorced yet.

Clearly "Money can't buy you love" or even happiness. And people without money tend to think money will solve all their problems, but it won't and it doesn't usually last!

Will you set your eyes on that which is not? For riches certainly make themselves wings; They fly away like an eagle toward heaven. Proverbs  23:5
What I found very sad about this couple is, How do they know if people genuinely like them or just want to be their friend because of their money??? Especially when they were always advertising and telling people how much money they have? 

                         My wolf purse which I bought at the fair a couple years ago.

And I've had other adventures like driving  1000 miles ALONE to Claire Bear's second graduation in Oklahoma. And it was also 1000 miles back ALONE. All of us but one made it to her boot  camp graduation. It was so worth it to see her graduate again at the top of her class, she did the prayer at the beginning and led them in the army song!

But coming home seems to always be the "let down". They had not even called or texted me to see where I was or when I was coming back but I thought they knew. I got home early Friday (2:30 am) to a dark, locked house!

He breaks me down on every side, And I am gone; My hope He has uprooted like a tree. Job 19:10

So I wrote this poem on Cynical Sunday:

No more crying
No more buying
No more lying
I'm done trying
All of me is frozen
Forgotten on a shelf
I will no longer let them in
I won't be mad
I won't be sad
If you can beat 'em, join 'em
I've exhausted myself trying to tear down their walls
Now I will build my own
It will be higher, stronger and better than theirs
With a tiny door to let Love through
Because He's the only One that's true
Perhaps one day a human being will love me too?  

Tuesday (The 13th) was my birthday and through a series of "Devine Appointments" at the fair: saying my poems to overwhelmingly positive reactions, selling five books  ETC! God made it all better. My more positive poems are at the end of this post.

Since I didn't get with people soon enough, it ended up that I was working the fair on my birthday, but it was such an awesome day!

During the time before I left to have dinner with a friend and go to the MK meeting a redheaded girl and her grandmother came to our booth. I always say, "I like your hair" to girls and ladies with red hair. I was checking people's IDs at the Zombie Run (Another fun Adventure!) and noticed a lady had her hair dyed about the same shade as mine and it was brown on her license, so I enthusiastically said, "I like your hair!" Her husband thought this very amusing for some reason. Joyce Meyer says she gets in trouble for saying she likes herself. So I guess I'm in trouble for liking my hair! Now when it's a guy ginger I high five them "Gingers Rule!" When I made the comment to the girl at the fair, her grandmother replied, "That's about the color mine used to be."

When stuff comes up in reference to one of my poems I'll ask them if they'd like to hear it: So I said my Ginger Me poem  When I gave that lady my card and told her about my book, she took a pen and wrote the title on the back of my card! But I was thinking they might not like me doing this in the MK booth but this thinking was immediately eased when Mary Anne, the director working with me said, "You have a great gift." After dinner with Ann and the MK meeting I decided to slip a book into my purse, in case I got the chance to say another poem and sell one. Then Lisa another director, who worked with me after the meeting bought that copy!

I said my elephant poem for a girl with an elephant on her shirt. Then something really cool happened and I was talking to two ladies and was thinking of what poem to say to them and I thought I'd say the one about the Storm as I hadn't said that one that day yet. When I started saying this poem for people it would make me emotional and sometimes I'd fight back tears but it'd been two years since I went through that "storm" but this lady had been through the same thing as I had! So as the tears started flowing down her checks mine did also! It was one of those moments that are unmistakably God! And you know what? Those ladies had already bought copies of my book!

Then I met another tall, dark and handsome. *Sigh* (He could be related to Dr. Al) If I was having a mid-life crisis? (As I've been accused of) I think he'd look just like you. He bought a copy of my book and was reading it on the spot and asking me questions, said I was going to be famous. I thought that was just a fluke or perhaps a line? But then within a weeks time two other people said the same thing to me! One of them was a woman at the Mary Kay retreat who said she wanted a picture with the "celebrity" which sounded especially beautiful in her Jamaican-like accent!

"Tall, dark and handsome" also called me a "bad ass" and I thought that was an awesome compliment also! I wonder which poem made him think that? Probably "I am a Fighter" Sometimes I think or wonder what I "sound" like to people in my poems. Am I a whiner? A bitch? A crybaby? A dreamer? Really ALL of the above.  But mostly I am a soon to be single mom, a ginger, a God chasing, Jesus loving bad ass! Yeah, I'm gona go with that! He was reading my poems to me! I'm like thinking, This is the best reaction I've ever got to my book. He went back to his booth and I could see him sitting there reading it! Then the State Farm girl bought a copy and she commented on a poem too. She could relate to "The Bitter Woman" which is a poem that might have not made it in the book if I listened to my fear. My sister-in-law had also said a friend cried when they read my mom poem but there's three "Mom" poems so I'm not sure which one it was, probably the one about heaven though.

So my wishful thinking has kicked in by this time about TDH and I'm saying to myself, Maybe he's in his 30s, he's very mature, yeah he's at least thirty. I only had a pass to work one day at the fair, but this man wanted me to come back so we could discuss my poems! So I went back, you walk in the vendors gate, it's almost closing, you were just there yesterday, the lady looks at me and says, "Your good". That night he said I wasn't afraid of saying things that might be offensive. True. He said the Mary Kay is working. Sweet. I asked him how old he was. He told me he was 21. Shit! Way too young! But I am a fricken sucker for  such a focused flirting cutie. I told him I was 49 - I cannot tell a lie.  He said I was young minded- is that like I'm "Hip"? lol More like a thirty year old. So were we thinking alike now? He gave me his number *Gasp* And I texted him *Double gasp* Yeah this guy made me break all my rules!!! Like #1 AND #2 on my list.  I let what he said go to my head and then I indulged in a little flirting for my 49th birthday! But again HE STARTED IT (But I was so glad he did;) I was going to go watch a game with him and a group of people from the fair, it was at a bar near his hotel (why did he tell me that?). We texted each other for two hours that Wednesday night. I said I found the most handsome guy's facebook page, I wonder if he'll be my friend? So he said "He added the MILF" OMG I found out he has a place in Florida AND California. OK this is perfect! Cause this Mermaid  would love to go back to where she came from! I am always fighting that urge I get to Run Away.  It never fixes the problem, though.

Dang if I'm attracted to a man I can't not flirt back! I just will, Especially at this juncture in my life! I can't help myself and I am no longer staying under guilt and condemnation! YOURS or MINE! I am so lonely sometimes it's pathetic and I tell this guy that! What is wrong with me? I am honest to a fault!

It's like Halloween: I'm not worshiping Satan! I was just having some fun (From a safe distance lol)

But Thursday I was feeling convicted. I was thinking I might be "leading him on" and so I texted him that I was just kidding around and said that I was celibate. Then he turned cold on me. He acted offended that I thought he was coming on to me. And then I apologized. What?! For what?! I thanked him for the flirting. lol I said he was awesome to make this lonely lady feel better. Why have I been apologizing for half my life (This kids whole life) for shit that isn't even my fault!? I'm done! So I took my apology back. Then we got into a discussion about the offensiveness of the term MILF and I was like FYI saying a woman is beautiful is preferable to saying that! And I wasn't hinting/fishing for more compliments- cause this sweetie turned cold had already filled me up! And I didn't go to watch the game with him since he was mad at me but also I felt I needed to stop Cliff Hanging and flirting with temptation.

                                 Came across this message at the park in Byron

And TDH tried to take back every nice thing he said to me! But you know what? Just like the mean things we say, we can apologize for but WE CAN'T take them back! I'm KEEPING those compliments handsome, sorry, NO TAKE BACKS! 

And this was one of the important things missing in my marriage- Affirming words- I think it's my "Love Language" (A book by Gary Chapman). There are not a few songs (Christian and secular) about them. Hawk Nelson sings one of my favorites

Besides that was the best line- um- I mean compliment EVER!

When I texted him I said, So I have to think up something motivational? He said I was motivation! Wow! I thought, "Your Beautiful" was the best line. And that Rock singer didn't even need a line- just sing me a few bars and I'm gone. I'm melting!!! I'm melting!!! Next Halloween I think I'll be Elphaba -since I'm sooooo WICKED But seriously, "You are motivation" Man, YOU WIN! That's the best compliment EVER OMG If I was a cougar I'll be YOUR COUGAR. Besides Olaf is RIGHT! "Some people are worth melting for."

Well, perhaps it's a toss up though cause there was that brave boy that stood up to the ferocious Claire Bear (Who was mercilessly teasing me with her Dad about facebook ) he said I had self control. (Cause I grounded MYSELF from facebook on the week-ends. lol)

October 18, 2015 I got to meet Danny Gokey when I got back from the awesome Mary Kay retreat but the coolest thing was in the process of giving Danny a free copy of my book. I gave it to his guitarist cause he was still autographing. Said a poem for the guitarist and member of the road crew and they each bought a copy of my book! That's nine copies I sold in a week! It's crazy!!!!

Danny Gokey Hope in Front of Me

My recent status after the stbx came home from TDY:

I've had an epiphany (cause that sounds so much better than a well Duh moment, right?) I was so happy and peaceful til he came home and I already knew I was setting a bad example in allowing myself to be disrespected and just neglected uncared for etc I don't want my children to think this is a healthy relationship! I want my girls to find spouses that care about them,respect and honor them. That think they're wonderful. Cause they are! I used to think it was OK if he only made me feel like a worthless piece of crap sometimes?! No!!! That IS NEVER ok! I told him he needs to go!

The devil would like me to wallow in self pity ( Why don't they love me? What's wrong with me? I must deserve to be treated like this) NO MORE! This time I'm not waffling, say what I mean and mean what I say! I'm done! And furthermore (before more narcissists come out of the woodwork) I AM NOT going to look for a replacement! I'm celibate. Leave me alone!

It's much easier if I don't get started but then noone can be perfect just thankful I swerved to advert a disaster. I am just clueless sometimes. Honesty can be very unnerving. It's happened to me over and over. Duh! When people are wrapped in deceit, they don't want to hear truth- it hurts

When I look at you, what would I see if I had Jesus' eyes? Discontent, fear, anger, unforgiveness? WHO are YOU? A has been? I used to be a SAHM. Now what am I? Just a MILF?
Why am I selling Mary Kay, Lord? What's my motivation? $$$? No!

He chills me. And stills the storm inside..And I realize; whether I get back with Bob or not: God wants me to be SINGLE right now! Singularly FOCUSED on HIM! He IS my HOPE.

                                       At my friend Francis' house!

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12

And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Psalm 39:7

Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; For I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. Psalm 42:11

Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart, All you who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24
Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, On those who hope in His mercy..Psalm 33:18

Let Your mercy, O Lord, be upon us, Just as we hope in You. Psalm 33:22
For in You, O Lord, I hope; You will hear, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:15

Devine Appointments 
Satan has a plan for you
But not to worry God does too
Is there a reason I met you?
Was it a blessing?
Was it a lesson?
I pray it was both
Her tears were on her cheeks
When she realized we fought the same battle
I comforted her with the same comfort He gave me
Yes I want to be your motivation
What a lovely thing to say
But to have a lasting effect choose Him
He's life to the dead
Joy to the sad
Peace to those mad
Strength to the weary
HOPE for the lonely and dreary
Yes! There was a reason I met you!
Now just ask Him what He wants you to do

Watch Billy Graham's My Hope video: The Value of Your Soul!

Lights in my Darkness 

Maybe you don't understand
Just why I'm drawn to you?
Living with those who drag you down
Can really wear on you
Just three words or less
To fill me up
makes my cup overflow
You're all motivation
Celebrities to me
Worth the world
to shine a light on all the dark in me!

Pauper to Princess

I cry- Why do I cry?
It's the same as days gone by
I long for someone to hold
Not someone to scold me
My desperate heart aches for someone to care
Someone to share my dreams
Take a chance on me
But I am unworthy
Not deserving of an ounce of respect
These are lies I detect
I must reflect on my mistake
And not an ounce of disrespect take
I am a daughter of the King!
It is for Him I sing
He loves me more than anything!
Now you will understand
Why my head’s no longer bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about anymore
Or have to talk real loud.
When He sees me passing,
It will make Him proud.

We did this Bible study at Harvest where I am attending church right now.

Hope Rising
Sifting, Shifting
My life lifting
Up from the mire
Hope rising
Like The Phoenix and the Sun rising
Don't listen to Satan
He's lying, lying
I'm on the floor,
My tears are drying
I dream of one day flying...

Hope for a Tree 
There is hope for a tree
There is hope in front of me
Hope deferred makes the heart sick
But my hope in Jesus is what makes me tick
By my God I can run and not grow weary
He strengthens me
I must confess
Sometimes I am a hot mess
But without Him I'd be a total disaster!

You can buy my book on Amazon here: "The Seven Story Tree"
Or get it directly from me by paying with

To get a signed copy e-mail me at 

1 comment:

  1. You coming home finding the house dark and the doors locked is sorta akin to what I came home to after spending 5 months in Indiana helping my sister through surgery and chemo for lung cancer in 2012. I have a three bedroom house. Dad moved in 2006, he had the master bedroom ( he was paying the house note & utilities) I had my granddaughter's pink bedroom and they shared a room. While I was away my daughter moved all my stuff out of the pink room, moved my granddaughter in and I had to sleep on the couch. Did not ask me or anything just did it. And to this day sees nothing wrong in what she did.