Monday, January 25, 2016


I'm thinking about doing this more like a blog -duh! Shorter and more frequent posts. Once I get everyone up to date on where I am now. For today here's a post I wrote about a year ago when this blog was down for a time. It was down (Dec. 2014- April 2015) but I couldn't stop writing. I don't think I can nor do I want to because it's what God has called me to. This was inspired by a daily devo by Neil Vermillion which is very good (Anointed is the word for it). And also an old classic devo my mom loved God Calling . So Happy Monday! Now I have to go cook and clean because a couple of missionary friends are coming for dinner!!!
Saturday, February 21, 2015

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10:13

I said in a poem, "When He inspires me, I'll write faster" And this came to me this morning.

And it all started with an apple...fritter. Bob was cooking them this morning.

Your success in your battle against temptation has nothing to do with how tempting the temptation is- remember I said, I won't tempt you beyond what you are able. Whether or not you fall doesn't even depend on your knowledge of it- whether you knew it was coming or not- sometimes that is a good thing- like an unexpected flirtation- it wasn't expected so you walk away in a daze saying to yourself, "What Just Happened?" but the important thing is: You walked away. Yeah a "lady" always knows when it's time to leave.

So your success in this battle depends more on Me- How much do you love Me? How much are you committed to Me? How much will you depend/rely on Me? Do you believe victory is possible? The biggest battle is just ahead. The biggest battle is in your head! Win it there and you will have victory outwardly also. Do you love Me enough? Am I worth obeying? Whoever you fear the most becomes your god. You are a slave to whom you obey. Can't displease your flesh- it wants that apple fritter- just one....Just one is all it takes. How many apples (Pieces of fruit) did Adam and Eve eat? Or Snow White? It only says ONE. It's singular. It's harder to have just one than none at all. Yes it IS easier to totally abstain. It's so much harder to start (To taste that forbidden fruit- stolen fruit IS sweet!) and stop than it is to never start at all. Isn't that what you said to those fifth graders about  drugs? Sugar is your drug of choice when there's nothing or noone else to flirt with. Don't even think about it apple fritter! It's NOT happening!

AND what's your motivation? You want to look 'hot" to be more tempting. Do you think I'm going to give you success in that endeavor? Satan might. Say this, "It's the principle of the matter" Did Eve understand why she shouldn't eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? No, she didn't KNOW, duh?! That bothered her PRIDE and PRIDE is deadly. You don't have to know Why? You have to know Me to be victorious. Trust Me- What I have for you tastes better than that forbidden fruit. I said "No" cause doing that thing is gona hurt you. Do it cause you love Me. Do it cause you trust Me. Perfect love (trust) of Me casts out all fear of anything or anyone. Who is gona hurt you if you become followers of what is good? Peter said- I said.

Yeah you know what? God said don't fill the blank space!  I don't even have the time. God has work for me to do!

Saturday, January 23, 2016

The Blank Space (Dreaming with a Broken Heart Part 1)

To the dreamers
Wide-eyed believers
Hanging onto hope by a thread
To the soulful
Heart open hopeful
Keep on charging ahead

For King and Country

Watch, stand fast in the faith, be brave, be strong. Let all that you do be done with love. I Corinthians 16: 13-14

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

This is a continuation of my "King of Hearts" posts;
The King of Hearts, The King of Hearts Part II and The King of Hearts Part III
 But also a continuation of my posts on "Dreams" and Part 1: Sowing and Reaping
of those is my #1 blog post! Part 2 is The Glorious Story and Part 3 is Dream Home

I recently texted my sister-in-law, Joyce about what season of Grey's Anatomy she got me stuck on when I was visiting her. "Sister-in-law" sounds so formal- she's one of my best friends, actually. God spoke something to my heart through that show- really?! Through such a god-less show?! Yes alot of stuff in it I don't agree with and would rather not watch mostly, like premarital sex, extra- martial sex, same sex sex- just sex, sex, sex.....OH Lord here we go again......But in the midst of all that there was a little glimmer of light and I'll tell you about that later.....

I can remember some years ago blogging about a movie and talking about all the means (Songs, movies, TV shows, situations) God uses to speak to me. Also in my post Megaphone I talked about God trying to tell me something and me not listening and I'm sorry to say that is what this post is about also. But I no longer feel shame- 'cause I've repented and I'm sorry and God forgives me! I'm so thankful for His grace and that He continually shows me how awful (To what depths of sin) I could be without Him! I'm thankful He gets His megaphone out and stops me from going down the broad road to destruction! (Matthew 7:13).

Yes we are all "the same kind of bad"!  (Tom Waits) It says that in Romans 3:23. You know even Tall, Dark and Handsome knew that verse. He said he went to a Christian school when he was young. (Like a couple years ago? lol)

Sometimes I begin at the end. I recently saw my therapist who I hadn't been to since November! Wow! I'm doing good to go so long without seeing her. It's because she's really good and I'm getting better all the time.
So that's also when I met him. Forget what God told me. I'm angry and lonely (Not a good combination) so I've been practicing that sport I wrote a fricken blog post against! Cliff Hanging! So I found another TDH man (they're a dime a dozen) my own age this time. Wow, he's not married (forget the fact that I STILL AM) and he's a poet like me! We traded books. We have the same publisher. He has a beautiful poem about his mother. Poems about God and his family. He writes about important topics. His flaws are only microscopic. Wait a minute! Hmmmmm? Didn't God tell me away back in January (2015) to NOT "fill the blank space" So I told my therapist about how I ended up in "the belly of the whale" so to speak. I actually kissed him! We were in his car- What are we like 16?! I later congratulated him, "Congratulations, I haven't kissed anyone but my husband since I was in high school" 
My therapist was quite upset with me she said, "We're out of time but this is important, so I'm going to keep you longer. I want you to close your imagine in five years from now -you being with this man...." I laughed and she said, "OK that didn't take as long as I thought it would" But seriously?! I hate breaking up with guys! Talk about waxing nostalgic? No more like, talk about bad memories! But I'm always learning more about myself: I always had low self -esteem. I used to. It was an old BAD habit! If any guy half way decent looking asked me out, I'd go out with him;
Oh my God, look at that face
You look like my next mistake
Love's a game, wanna play?
Taylor Swift

Then I ended up making out with him and then said, "Wait, I really don't like this....wait this is not what I want" 
Oh oh oh here oh oh oh here oh oh oh
I ask myself what am I doing here?
Alessia Cara

Then having to break up with him when you really hate to be on bad terms with anyone let alone a guy who you've lead on....I even have a couple of my dating stories here.

Ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me
Like ghosts they want me to make 'em all
They won't let go
Ex's and oh's
Elle King

One day I got this message from an app (There's one for everything, you know?)

Today, Susan, we believe God wants you to know that ...
silence is golden.

When we are quiet, we can hear God's messages to us. Sometimes these messages may be in the form of subtle intuition. Sometimes it may feel like an inner knowing. Sometimes we may hear a 'still, small voice.' If it feels right in your heart, trust that it is God speaking to you.

“Why do you call Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?  Luke 6:46

In my Bible Study series, "The Seven Story House" I will have lots of stories of all the cool ways God speaks to me: God's Word is always relevant to me personally- NOW- even in a devo published 80 years ago by a man long dead. Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest" I read my mom's copy now, even though I have my own too- she gave me 20 years ago. Christians need to quit giving people "pat answers" and judging them- why do we keep shooting our own wounded?! STOP IT PEOPLE! Don't be so quick to answer people or even give them a scripture- tell them to fast and pray and wait on God. And here's an even crazier idea- why not offer to fast and pray with/for them? It doesn't have to be just food- it could be coffee, soda, sweet tea, facebook, internet, sugar (I need to fast that!)....

My kids listen to all kinds of music and so do I and my son Ian plays guitar. The girls and I love Taylor Swift- I didn't know Ian liked her music- but I caught him humming her latest tune, "Blank Space" and he played it on his guitar. I had just recently shared it on facebook too. It's a catchy and sarcastic tune like her "Shake it Off" where she says,

Got a long list of ex-lovers
They'll tell you I'm insane
But I've got a blank space baby
And I'll write your name

When God brings the blank space, see that you do not fill it in, but wait. The blank space may come in order to teach you what sanctification means, or it may come after sanctification to teach you what service means. Never run before God’s guidance. If there is the slightest doubt, then He is not guiding. Whenever there is doubt – don’t. "My Utmost for His Highest" January 4th (Which btw happens to be Bob's birthday)

Then if that message wasn't enough God will say it to me again in a different way. In my Ginger Me poem I say "bad boys prefer redheads" but in my Who Holds Your Heart post I say that many girls are drawn to that type (Myself included) And I even noticed it when I visited Hollywood Blvd with Joyce in 2014. The first character I saw that I wanted a picture with was Darth Vader. We used to have a cat named Darth Vader. We all went to the movie when it came out last month.

                                            Me and Darth Vader on Hollywood Blvd.

Then I saw "Jack Sparrow" from "The Pirates of the Caribbean"  and I just had to get a picture with him. Good thing it wasn't actually Johnny Depp or I might have swooned!

But I was quite taken with Jack as he was with me: He said he was "smitten" and that he wanted the redhead. lol

'Cause you know I love the players
And you love the game!

Taylor Swift

You do have to tip these guys for getting pictures with them. So we stopped with those two "bad boys", we passed others and Superman was looking at me pleadingly. OMG look at that face! He really wanted a picture with me (Must've been jealous of me and Jack) But I turned him down flat and laughed at myself. maybe the line should go, "Redheads prefer 'bad boys'". lol

It's very hard to keep motivated (My book and turning my poems into songs) when you have no support AT ALL from your family. Joyce is my BFF and is about all I got and my brother. So if it helps me to imagine someone's being indirectly encouraging-that they're thinking of me- or wrote something kinda encouraging about me? Hey I need all the help I can get- I'll take it and hey I get it they can't be direct- I know I send mixed signals I am unpredictable and I can't help it I'm torn in two!

But my heart don't understand
Why I got you on my mind
Ellie Goulding

 So I said, Why am I surprised jerks like me? I'm like a jerk magnet!

So not long after I said that on my Redheaded Writing Hood page I saw a link to a sermon on a page I joined called, "Marriages Restored God's Way" . They actually let me in to this group! I got kicked out of one with a similar name though, more about that later! It was a sermon by Craig Groeschel who is the pastor of the largest church in America Life Church. I think the sermon was about hearing God? Something like that anyways he mentioned different things/subjects God may speak to you personally about. And he said "Maybe God doesn't want you to date for a while....maybe you're like a jerk magnet or something and God wants you to hold out for awhile..." WAIT WHAT?! I can't believe He spoke it to me so clearly and I still didn't listen to Him. What is the matter with me? Well I got angry and rebellious, what else can I say? And also I was like Craig Groesche? Craig Groesche? Where have I heard that name before? He was going to speak (And he did speak) at Joyce Meyer's 2015 Women's Conference and I decided way back then that I would go again to it as I had gone in 2014. It's in St Louis and I was going to go with Joyce (To hear Joyce in 2014) but something came up and Joyce couldn't go, so I went alone in 2014. It was awesome!!!! BTW *sigh* That was another disobedience that I didn't go to that conference (In 2015) but I reasoned it away that I was saving money.

I was going to move to Tennessee but then discovered It was only a test.  Not just for me but for them. I passed- they failed, cause they didn't say, "We don't want you to go" or "We need you" or "Everything will be a mess without you" And believe me, it would be! But God wanted me to learn to be independent but He didn't want me to move out of state. I was very relieved to learn that. I did so need this separation, we are living in the same house with our youngest who is 14 but we are not "together" I needed to gain back MYSELF, my self respect, my confidence, my independence ETC.

Sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils: 

I was thinking of an incident with my younger son. Especially in school he was known for being quiet and mild mannered and he still is. He tries to be a peacemaker and he is blessed. (Matthew 5:9) When he was a senior the Peach County Trojans Soccer team was playing the Warner Robins demons, there was this little guy guarding my son and he grabbed a hold of his shirt and he was pulling him down but right before he went down, my son (who was 6'2" like 170lbs probably) kinda like flipping a pancake, my son effortlessly picked him up and slammed him to the ground which resulted in a RED CARD. (This usually means you can't play for the rest of the current game or the next two, depending on the officials decision) You could say this little soccer player woke the "Sleeping Giant"  I feel like my son! I just couldn't take it anymore I was about to hit the ground! Like that demon was on me pulling me down, it's hit the ground or get a red card! Like my son I got a red card!

I needed a "break" from my marriage to gain back respect, respect for myself and respect from others. They needed to learn they would not be allowed to "pull me down" any longer!

 I needed to put proper boundaries back in place but now God wanted me to be open minded to getting back with the hubby if that's what he wanted and we have not established yet if that is what he wants because things cannot be the same as they were! When God started telling me to try again that's what I thought and I was so upset and angry and I screamed,  (Ya I do that sometimes when I'm alone and it freaks my poor dogs out); "I don't want him back God!!!!!!"

1-31-15 I never thought I'd be in this place and never thought he'd react (or fail to react) in this way. If it's laziness, fear, indifference- it's all very unattractive. Why would you be drawn to someone who isn't drawn to you? Why would you want to stay with someone who acts like your merely....not quite good enough, but she's all I could get so I'll have to settle. It feels I'm like beating a dead horse....really....

From my journal; February 25, 2015

It's almost been a year,
And everything's so clear,
It's been a good year
A fun year,
A free year,
A hard year,

I'm happy!

I'm at peace!

More FROM MY JANUARY 2015 NOTES (JOURNAL): I was in Isaiah 6 this morning. The seraphim (how many?) had six wings each with two they covered their faces. with two they covered their feet and with two they flew. So they flew with their faces covered? Why? They couldn't look on God's glory? How could they see where they were going? God. Why were they covering their feet? Biblegateway says, covered his feet. This may be an indication of modesty.???? Or that in God's presence you FLY!

Now about that hot coal Susan. Stop talking! Stop saying! Show Me! Show God your love for Him by your actions!

Stop posting your every move on facebook! Just do as I say! Obey Me! More HEART Less ATTACK!

Don't say anything about lawyers or divorce. It's none of their business anyways.

Be quiet on social media. Be dignified. Everything will be fine! Trust Me! No more filling in the blank spaces! THIS IS like YOUR Your Mama's Broken Heart No crazy (Go on and hide it!) 

Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. Lamentations 3:32

You leave me so lonely I could die.
Oh that I was the only one for you.
Well, at least I can say that I tried

Why shouldn’t we go through heartbreaks? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God’s purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says – “Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.” If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart. Oswald Chambers (Nov 1st “My Utmost for His Highest”)

Tin Woodsman: What have you learned, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I - I think that it - it wasn't enough to just want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em - and it's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right? 

I, I never meant to let you down

I wait with a stake in my heart
I never meant to put you down
I'm trying not to fall apart

Though my heart is achin' and breakin' I'm takin'
Most of what you send my way
I want just to hold you, unfold you, I told you
I am coming back for you
I know we will be okay everyday
The sun shines a little brighter


So what was it about Grey's Anatomy? Well they even have their own Facebook Pages!
I'm talking about April and Jackson!

 Even the actor who plays Jackson said, "You know what, I do think there's hope. It might just be a sliver, but there is hope."
Is there HOPE for Bob and I? I'm not sure but I am now open minded to the idea cause I DID NOT like the belly of that whale!!!  

 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

I feel like God keeps telling me "It's Not Over Yet" : Danny Gokey has this song.
And there's more.....

Keep on fighting
Out of the dark
Into the light
It's not over
Hope is rising
Never give in
Never give up
It's not over...yet
For King and Country
But my favorite talks about being a soldier like my Claire Bear: I also got to hear TobyMac perform it live in November. Yeah that month I was ignoring what God kept saying to me? Thank God for His MERCY!!!!

I know your heart been broke again
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet
I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left
Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so...


I Love Everybody- You're next
So easy for me, like a Sunday morning
You fall for me handsome sweetie
I fall for you
But there's always a slight problem,
A big age difference?
No cougars here, huh?
No financial security?
Not as tall as me? No matter
Married?! Big problem!
Different race? Like the hubby
That's fine
Different religion? That's not!
Got Jesus?
He's perfect!
Know Jesus
Know Peace
No Jesus 
No Peace
Will the thought of never having you
Leave me forever blue?
No! I've got to be true
Just like I said
Loving you was RED
I don't know what my King has planned
But I know it's good
So I leave it in His hand!

Heart- Break Hotel
Leave it to me to see an analogy
I've been through the never finished house
Like Cinderella trapped
A prisoner, of her own device
Rapunzel in her tower of fear
I stepped through the "door to nowhere"
Now leaving Crazy Town, Califlorida
The land of fruits and nuts
The Heart Break Hotel
They said, You can check out any time you'd like
So the Devil wanted me to think!
But my King held the key to my escape
If He sets you free, you are free indeed
I no longer follow, just lead
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true!
And with all the night mares you will be through!

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.
Maya Angelou

People who've heard them usually love them. This next poem was inspired by THIS NEEDTOBREATHE SONG

Keep your eyes open, My love! 
God has so much for you Christian!
And you're just throwing it away-
Going on your stubborn way.
When if you'd keep your focus on Me-
There's so much that you would see-
But where'd you throw your purity?
Get it back- so you can see!
If you ask you will receive
And your purity retrieve
There's the fire,
There's that spark
You know I’ll never let you fall apart
Now Keep your eyes open, My love

Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

He just wants you in his bed
Have you googled him?
She said
What came up is who I'd be
Without Him who saved me
There but for the grace of God go I
But I so admire those who try
What?! Why?!
I used to think no one wanted me
What I need is someone to see,
Deeper than what's on the outside
Is there anyone out there?
Who really cares?
Sometimes I just scream!
Take off the make-up & plastic mask
I'm not all I seem,
So once again, to you I'll say, Good-bye
The bad-boy wants the hottie
Even though he already has one
To have his cake and eat it two
The addict never has enough
It's time to be tough
Burn the bridges
Cut the ties
Stop stalking
Start walking.....away
The King bought me for a price!
His Son's blood
He desires my beautiful heart of flesh
He cleanses it
I will honor Him
I will follow Him
I will live for Him
Although it's clean now as driven snow
It's R.E.D. as I know...
I am Redeemed
Equipped and DELIVERED! Amen!

This poem was inspired by God, Ed Sheeran and DC Talk (among others). These poems and more will be in my next book of poetry that will be called, R.E.D. (From the previous poem)

That four letter Word
It's never in vain
It all matters
No matter how small an act
A kind word
A smile
A hug
A cup of cold water
I have it in a photograph
A letter
A scrap of paper
A meal
A memory
A bowl of chili
Chicken salad
Ice cream
Chocolate and roses
It speaks your language
A gift
A movie
A light saber
A New Hope
It's a verb
It's a noun
It's an adjective
It's profound
It's encouragement
And Motivation
It's harder than you thought
Yet it makes everything easier
It's more wonderful than you knew
And worth everything you put in
It hangs on
It never quits
Even if you let go of it
It can hurt sometimes
It can't stay mad
It works and tries
It bleeds and cries
And doesn't lie
It apologizes
Gives and forgives
It's the only thing we take with us when we die
Yet it makes us feel alive
It always hopes, believes, trusts
It never fails
And even if you're away a while
It waits for you to come Home

To see what happens go to Dreaming With A Broken Heart Part 2