Monday, October 21, 2013

Don't Apologize for Being Hot

So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. Revelation 3:16

To the pure all things are pure, but to those who are defiled and unbelieving nothing is pure; but even their mind and conscience are defiled. Titus 1:15

One Spring Break evening after reading to her ten year old daughter, "Mom" stepped into her 17 year old's room- just inside the door. Her son and his two friends were playing video games and just "Chillin". The window was open and a cool Spring breeze blew in. One of the boys (not her son) said, "It just got really hot in here." "Mom" looked at him in puzzlement, then the other boy, said, "Yes it did". "Mom" was thinking, "Well maybe I should open a window?", looking towards the open window. Then she left and went in her room and closed the door. What just happened? What did they mean? Did they mean I was "Hot"? Nah, couldn't be. I used to be "hot" but that was a long time ago. I'd gained back 20 of the 30lbs I lost! "Hot" I was NOT- I was still haunted by the voices in my head that said, "You're fat"

My friend Melody who I wrote about in Cat Fights, Canines and Confrontation  had a similar thing happen to her, she heard that two of her son's friends had called her a MILTF.. She really didn't know what that was! I guess I'm kinda "sheltered" too cause I didn't know either, until Melody told me. She had looked it up on the handy "Urban Dictionary".

How should a Mom respond to this? Should my son still be allowed to hang out with them? Well, I'll tell you what I did and what Melody did and you can decide what you think. We both told our hubby's asap- the husband's job is to protect his family- and ultimately he makes that call, if teenagers are saying stuff he doesn't like then he should probably talk to them- this would've shut them up pronto! But my Bob and Melody's hubby are both kinda "low key"- don't want to make waves- kinda guys- so they didn't say anything to them. I kinda tried to "lay low" after that, as did Melody. Melody's husband would go "check up" on her son and his friends instead of her. He could be the one to "hang" with the guys. I'll have to admit Melody handled it better than I, but her's was also more offensive. I didn't even know at the time that, "It's getting hot in here" is a bad song- I found this out thanks to TD Jakes! (It was mentioned in one of his sermons on Youtube)

I frankly enjoyed the compliment although my guilt and fear was still present as in the past. This pull is described in Romans chapter seven. I was like , no I'm not supposed to like being called "hot"- make those boys go away. And I do remember sending them to soccer practice and telling them "the hotel is closed" as they were sleeping over for most of Spring break week. But I was in the midst of adjusting to my thyroid medication, as I had had part of my thyroid burned off with radiation. When they upped my thyroid med. it made me kinda manic. So I said something I kicked myself for after: I said to one of them, "One day you're gona have a super hot girl-friend and I'm gona be jealous" I did mean it in a "Mom" kind of way, but I didn't say that. Mom's are often jealous of their son's girlfriends- my mom was and unfortunately it showed sometimes. Like I said in a previous post though; having a feeling isn't a sin! For instance, the Bible says, "Be angry and do not sin. Lie on your bed and meditate." (Psalm 4:4) I can feel jealousy and I do sometimes but if I'm going to say something mean to or about the person I'm jealous of- then it's sin! Also it says in II Corinthians 10:5 to "take thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ"- We should not continue to dwell on jealous thoughts or other thoughts, that aren't sin in and of themselves but could lead to sin. Martin Luther said,

“You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair”

Solomon once said,
"Jealousy is as cruel as the grave; Its flames are flames of fire, A most vehement flame."

Fransis AnFuso said:

Are you struggling with jealousy? The root of jealousy is fear...the fear of being replaced, discarded, no longer needed or valued. Perhaps the most tragic part of being jealous is that we cease seeing our lives from God's perspective. Others may replace us, but no one can take our place in the eyes of God. And in the end, that’s all that really matters. He has made each of us a one-of-a-kind original. When we get our eyes back on God we clearly see who we are created to be. As the psalmist wrote, "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14a, ESV) Embracing God's passionate love for you and focusing on who you are to Him, is the best cure for the dead end called: jealousy.

Recently, something else came out of my mouth towards someone I've been angry at for many months but before that I was OK because I was angry but I was talking to God- Bob- and two trusted Spiritual leaders- who weren't going to disclose it to anyone else. But when I lashed out with my tongue I brought myself down to her level. Fortunately, I had a chance to apologize and I did and I know, at least, God forgives me, I can only pray that that person will also.

Reliant K sings a song that goes:
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

"Who I am Hates Who I've Been"

I guess you could call me a "Rules girl"- I'm really very hard on myself and I know much of what I don't do is fine for other Christians- it's just I've made myself a rule not to do that. For example see: One Thing: Why I Hate/Love Men or To Drink or Not To Drink?  Lately, however, I've been rethinking many of these rules. In my old post Pray About Everthing I put these words from a Ginny Owens song called, "Own Me":
Got a stack of books so I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away, maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You in all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed

Own me, take all that I am,
and heal me with the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me with Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

I've discovered that God is a God of freedom and I don't have to (And He doesn't want me to) be beating myself up all the time over these rules I've made for myself. Did God say that to me? Or was it just me? In Jeremiah 34:15 it says to "Proclaim liberty, each one to his neighbor". For instance, for a few years I avoided all leopard prints (Except for my PJs- and no! No boys sleeping over would see me in them!) So now I've lifted my ban and I wear leopard print again. I've also decided I may wear a bikini (if Bob says OK) -Hey I'm 47 years old and I've had five babies- if I still look half way decent in a bikini, why shouldn't I wear it at the beach with my hubby and all those hotter younger babes their in their thongs? But back when I was still full of fears of many sorts, I even discontinued coed swimming with those boys. It wasn't very hard since the one I'll call "Will" (You'll understand, if you keep reading) has a severe case of Aquaphobia and can't swim! And speaking of fear, I've actually been afraid of being "hot"- it kinda makes it hard to really work out or eat right when you're afraid of looking good (And you love sweets:). Not to mention being stupid. I'm so tired of being afraid of everything! I'm tired of feeling guilty over men's lust- THEIR LUST IS NOT MY FAULT. I used to not have to work at being "Hot" when I was young- but now I work hard at it- I didn't used to run- now I do. Brittney's right- you want a hot body? You gotta work ------. So, look out boys, it's fixin to get hotter in here!

I even felt bad for sharing this picture of Ann Margaret in the past. Why? What is the matter with me?

Then some months after the "It just got really hot in here" comment one of those same two boys was with her son, his 15 year old sister and "Mom" at the house and saw an old picture of "Mom" and was like "Wow, wow, wow, wow, You know, you look like Scarlett Johansson."
Mom replied, "I wish". I mean really? I look like Meryl Streep (even my female therapist said so). I looked like the "Sexiest Woman alive"? Boy, you need glasses! She's not even a real ginger! I was not, of course, going to turn down this compliment, however, and I told him he looked like Will Smith. I did, at least stop right there and did NOT say how hot I think Will is- You see? I'm a good girl! I already knew this boy is such a flirt! He flirted with my 15 year old, my 24 year old, me and one day he even said to my 10 year old, "You know Lydia? You have the prettiest eyes." Well, yes she does but I felt like saying, "Down boy!" He needed to STOP. I think everyone probably has a celebrity look alike. The other boy? He kinda resembles Matt Damon. Good looking, but not exactly my type, Bob's my type- tall dark and handsome. And anyone who can put up with my craziness is pretty awesome.

This? Nah!

Scarlett in "The Nanny Diaries"? Yes, I could so relate to this movie! Not from working with the Kaufman's (who I was actually a live-in nanny with for about 1/2 a year) so much but I babysat for some rich & snobby people in Boca Raton when I was young. I did get "hit on" once or twice by dads (then feeling uncomfortable and sorry for the wives I usually wouldn't work for them again) Mr. Kaufman is a really nice man- though, he was teased by some men friends when Mrs. Kaufman went away by herself once- they were like, "Oh staying home with the kids and the nanny? I don't blame you so would I!" Those dogs!!!

Here I am as "The Nanny"with the Kaufman girls

So a few months after the "Wows & Scarlett" comments, I was having a conversation with Sarah and Claire about "Will". I said, "I like him" Sarah said, "You like him 'cause he flirts with you" -I denied this, after all that was not the only reason. lol But then I about died when my Claire Bear said, "Mom's a cougar". I said, "What?!" She replied, "Nothing"- You know what? THAT comment tore me up and I apologized to Claire for anything I said or did that made her to think that. But I realize now, it wasn't anything I said or did, it was what he said! Why am I apologizing for being hot? My daughters are way hotter than me and it's cause (excuse the Lady Gaga quote) we were born this way! My sons are also "hot" just like their dad. I just had to roll my eyes when one of Claire bear's team mates says (about Ian) "I love it when he takes his shirt off." *sigh* There are many "hot" people in the Bible. For instance, Moses was a beautiful child, Joseph was handsome, probably Samson, Sarah was beautiful, Rachel, Esther, to name a few and those are only the ones that we're told about.

I remember when "Will" turned 18. Ian was giving him a ride to school like everyday. "Will" would also eat at our house about every night too. Will had some of my pumpkin cake once and loved it, so I made him that for his birthday, put about half the cake in a container and set it on the table that morning for him to get when he came over to catch his ride. And I wrote him a note that said, "Happy Birthday".

March 2014 (update) I had said that "Will" and I had a "falling out" (The other boy was really mostly friends with "Will" and not with Ian) and that if he would forgive me I'd teach him to swim and make him another cake. But I was, once again, compromising my "boundaries". It wasn't about his flirting. He had already had a "falling out"with Ian also. Now I say that (reconciliation) could only happen if he admitted his sin and repented first. An apology is in order. See there's a difference between reconciliation and forgiveness. We are called to forgive everyone who wrongs us but we are not called to let people back in our lives who are using us. In 2011-2012 Ian began hanging out with Laura and all his "Goody, Goody" friends (as he himself calls them). In Proverbs it says, "He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed." 13:20 And I am happy to say none of Ian's friends now ever make me feel "uncomfortable" in any way.

Now let's talk about hotness of a different sort- in I Peter 4:8 it says,
And above all things have fervent love for one another, for “love will cover a multitude of sins.”
In my "Enjoying Everyday Life Bible" Joyce Meyer says,
"The verb form of the Greek word that is translated fervent means, "to be hot, to boil". Our love walk needs to be hot, on fire, and boiling over; not tepid, cold or barely noticeable...Let your love be red- hot. Toward God and toward other people, and as you do, you will not only live in obedience to the Word, you will also be too hot and on fire with God's love for the enemy to handle."

Claire Bear @ about 6 yrs old with a candle

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. Galatians 5:1

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1

Then I said, “I will not make mention of Him,
Nor speak anymore in His name.”
But His word was in my heart like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
I was weary of holding it back,
And I could not. Jeremiah 20:23

“Is not My word like a fire?” says the Lord,
“And like a hammer that breaks the rock in pieces?" Jeremiah 23:29

Love this song: Burn

I'm so excited! Click here to buy my first book! "The Seven Story Tree; A book of Poetry"

This year for the Fall Festival I was that only female Avenger: The Black Widow

      March 2014- Trying to get my hair to look like this!

2017 Now I do Cosplay as "Black Widow" Here I am at my first DragonCon

Monday, October 7, 2013

When the Lion Roars

This was recorded on September 27, 2013. I'm telling the story of Daniel in the lions den which is in Daniel 6. It's funny that you can hear Jude and Layla fighting in the back ground and I talked about that in Cat Fights, Canines and Confrontation  because usually in the course of their "wrestling" Jude will try to...The other scriptures I mention are in I Peter 5 and Proverbs 28:1.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Cat Fights, Canines and Confrontation

           “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” Marilyn Monroe


 I said before that all my blog posts go together. They all flow, like one continuous whole. I don't even do this---it's all God. So with that in mind, the story continues.....

It was my turn to "share" at B.A. I stood up and said, "Hi my name is Susan and I'm a bitch" They all said "Hi Susan"
"Today I became so frustrated because my husband won't set boundaries with our son, that I called him a coward and he called me a bitch" So I screamed, "Well I'd rather be a bitch than a coward!" 
                                         Good ol Pinterest!

This is why I ran away to Marietta (and WHO was I calling a "coward"?)- See: Running, Remembering and My Redeemer

I heard  this  quote that's very encouraging, "Well-behaved women seldom make history" (Laurel Thatcher Ulrich) So perhaps there's hope for me?

                                                           Jude playing with Po
A couple weeks ago Sarah walked in the house with her puppy (he's a dog but we still call him a puppy) and proclaimed, "After this I'm gona be a cat person" When I inquired about why she said, "Jude was trying to hump the neighbor's Great Dane- he's a boy!"

Sarah used to not be too bothered by Jude's escapades (usually Layla is the object of his desire) and she'd just say, "He's got 'puppy hormones', he's a teenager"

In my post from two weeks ago I was talking about, Cougars, Cages and Confessions

I said that teenage boys are just attracted to older women (Mom types) and what Sarah said goes too- they got those raging hormones and so they get confused. I also wrote about my old church and how because of my Average Girl article's honesty and Jared's attraction to me, those at that church made me feel like "the woman caught in adultery". I also wrote about that in, Oh The Irony!  After that happened at our old church, we stayed for another whole year. I forgave them and moved on but it seemed they were still holding a grudge. About a year later someone in the church went to them, accusing them of some very serious things. They should have turned to the Word which says, "Do not receive an accusation against an elder except from two or three witnesses." I Timothy 5:19 and in the words of Jesus Himself, "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established." Matthew 18:15-16 Anyways, those people left but the pastor was still terrified- so he tried covering everything up- which just made him look all the more guilty. I knew nothing about it until Sarah had her church friends over- she mostly had church friends back then cause she was homeschooled until we moved in our house (2001) and she became a freshman at Peach County High. This happened in 2002. So the teenagers enter the picture again and two of the girls over- I think there were about five of them (3 girls- 2 boys?) and the associate pastor's daughter brought it up but simply said, "You'll find out about it tonight" at the Sunday night service. Our old church could very well be described as when we were "under the law" so we were there every time the doors were open-- they frequently reminded us too- that you were "bad" if they had church and you weren't there. I now recognize things like this as being characteristics of a cult- not that this church was a cult but these are 'red flags' showing that there's perhaps some manipulation and control going on. So we went to church that night as we did every Sunday night- they said nothing. I forget all the details but we found that it was OK for Bob to go to the pastor himself and hear the story. They were still avoiding me. Since they treated me like I was a "loose woman" I decided to have alittle fun and winked at the pastor on occasion. Besides he was the one who started it. Funny, I think he's probably the first man I ever winked at 'cause I was still pretty terrified of men back then. Also my Bipolar was untreated too which only increased my rebellious streak. I wasn't at all even attracted to this man. He seemed to tell some women leaders in the church that I was "after him" Bahahahahaha! He needed to take a look at my hottie Bob, then take a look in the mirror- seriously?! Nah!

A girl should know her etiquette
Alas, alack
Propriety demands we walk a narrow track
When fellas used to blink at me
I'd freeze 'em and they'd shrink at me
But now when fellas wink at me
I wink at them right back! 

"I Don't Care!" Judy Garlan
                                                                     Judy Garlan

So anyways, we found out what happened, he told Bob and Bob told me. This unintelligent pastor would then, however, allude to what was going on in his sermons! Sometimes I'd be very flattered when his whole sermon (Idk on rebellion perhaps?) would be directed at me! Then he'd preach about the man who left, "Alexander the copper smith did me much harm" 2 Timothy 4. One Wednesday night when we were pretty much decided that we were leaving the church, a friend asked me what was going on. Bob was working over-time, so he wasn't there yet. Bob wasn't good at protecting me or leading me but also I made it pretty impossible, as I wouldn't "submit". Submitting I saw as something I "tried" when I let Bob build the house and it didn't work- so I didn't want to do it anymore. The problem was when my friend asked me what was going on, we were in earshot of the nursery coordinator who was one of those women who thought I was trying to get the pastor. 

There was another Jezebel type woman who didn't like me because they gave me the child she had housed for "Children of the World" and he cried because he wanted to go with her, I said something to her and she was like "it's OK" so I went all the way back to Byron because I had a ham in the oven- Leonard was fine, he stopped crying in like two minutes. Then she writes me a mean letter saying I was "Putting my own needs ahead of a child's" Letter writing is my specialty- better NOT get me started! I shot right back that THAT comment is laughable to anyone who knows me and it is. Was not surprised AT ALL to find out later that "Jezebels" husband left her. That's what happens to "Bitches" who can't even get to step one and "Admit their powerlessness".

 The story about the "Children of the World" is in our 2001 Christmas letter: 2001: A Story Odyssey

 Ever want to "go back in time" and get a "do over"? I so wanted to do that. See when my friend asked the question about what was going on the Jezibels told on me and they sent three deacons (And I had one and a half year old Lydia in my arms) to escort me out of church! And I left in tears! They were angry tears but tears non the less. But what would've happened if I didn't leave? Besides I realize now that they DID NOT have the authority to kick me out of God's House! I'm His child. Isn't this God's house? Well it was- but more and more it was looking like a "Den of thieves". What kind of deacon listens unquestioning to an order to escort a harmless young mother out of church? What hurt even more was one of the men I knew and he knew me- for longer than that pastor was even there. Why didn't he question what the pastor told him to do? "Let me talk to Susan because that really doesn't sound like her at all" I wanted to yell, "Don't drink his coolaide!" as I left. Below is a poem I wrote about them back then:


You are to be a spiritual guide
Why is it that you tell lies?
Should not the shepherds
Feed the sheep?
Instead you lead them astray
In fear of losing your reputation
You send them all away
What has lead to the strife among you?
Is it not your selfishness and pride?
But for all these Christ died.
Turn to Him and He will pardon.
And cleanse us from all our sins
Peace He will return to you
If you will only turn to Him.

 God is the God of second chances and He gave me that do over! See: Another True Story: Oh the Irony!

But now I have a new story because something similar happened to my friend Melody (Not her real name) last year. Melody is about my age- abit younger than me actually and she's gorgeous. She's never struggled with her weight like me. She has a handsome hubby and two teenagers. It was much worse for Melody because she was at her church's recovery group and shared about her son's friend making a pass at her and she confessed that she flirted back and they made her go to the sex- addicts group! Seriously! And she went! They talked about something called "relationship addiction" and she thought they were experts. Like myself, Melody has only had sex with her husband! Is this really THAT rare? I hope not. I'm like, "Melody, I don't know that much about it but I don't think you're THAT" So we both started reading stuff, like I said in my "Cats and Dogs" post back in January I read this book but it didn't really have a definite way to diagnose yourself. But if you google it, there's a ton of online tests and what we found were questions like this:

·  Do you believe you have a sexual problem?*
 ·  Do you often justify or minimize the extent or type of your sexual and romantic behaviors to yourself or others?
 ·  Do you often find yourself preoccupied and distracted by sexual thoughts when you do not wish to be?
 ·  Do you regret the time and energy you spend in the pursuit of sex or romance?

Have your sexual or romantic behaviors ever caused physical or emotional harm to anyone - including spouses and long-term partners?

Whoa Melody! No, THAT IS NOT YOU! I have felt myself that "there but for the grace of God goeth I"- I could have been that- but THANK-YOU JESUS- He saved me when I was 17 years old before I could become a sex addict! For that I am eternally grateful!!!! Praise God, I am a child of the One True King!!!

Well, Melody said from the beginning that she felt as if the lady in charge of the recovery group didn't like her. But Melody is alot like me, in that, she's insecure, so perhaps it was all in her head? But then she told me that this lady called her to a meeting to talk to her about the group and she was very condescending and asked her a bunch of questions and Melody just politely obliged her, giving her the benefit of the doubt but this weirdness just continued when she kept on Melody when ever she so much as coughed (Don't interrupt group time!), was 2 minutes late or missed a class. Then she told her she had to have a sex addict sponsor and couldn't have a Codependency sponsor- (cause Melody is Codependent like myself and many people) and there was only one sex addict sponsor available and she was younger than Melody. This was the meeting where Melody had had it! She calmly stood up, looked at the two (overweight) ladies, said she was done with this recovery group and that the women there needed a compassionate leader like the men seemed to have, said she'd be praying for them and left. I don't know that I could've done that, I think I may have told them what groups they should go to and that I'd be happy to sponsor THEM.

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Taylor Swift

On Anne Graham Lotz facebook recently I saw photos of her at a church in California with this caption, "Anne sharing on wounded Christians and those who have been wounded by Christians."  Anne wrote a book titled  "Wounded by God's People" which you may purchase at her website:  Anne Graham Lotz 

But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.
Rejoice not against me, O my enemy! When I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light to me.
I will bear the indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my cause and executes judgment for me. He will bring me forth to the light, and I shall behold His righteous deliverance.
Then my enemy will see it, and shame will cover her who said to me, Where is the Lord your God? My eyes will see my desire upon her; now she will be trodden down as the mire of the streets. Micah 7:7-10

The Woman’s stuck inside her house-
The woman’s stuck inside her house,
Can someone please coax her out?
She thinks she’s free but she’s not
What is this? Just her sad lot?
‘Peace’ and ‘love’, she says is the way,
But ‘war’ and ‘hate’ she speaks all day.
The Beatles sang of “Nowhere Man”
This woman’s also in his land.
Can someone help to stop her pain?
If scarecrow only had a brain.
She talks down from her ‘high horse’
She can’t understand what she does, of course.
She’s stuck in “I- ME-MY” land,
While others try to take her hand.
She talks of ‘open-mindedness’
Yet closes the door on their kindness.
Lonely? Jealous? Could she be?
Yet she has lots of company,
Anger, Fear, Anxiety,
She says you hide in your piety.
She judges and says ‘Do not judge’
She says she doesn’t like to debate,
But she starts it up, she is too late.
They say you become
What you focus on.
Well then, I won’t worry about her,
I’m gone.
Are you offended?
You shouldn’t be
Because this poem is about me!

I am a fighter
I won round one
 ready to go back in the ring-
God on my side is all I need.
God has opened my eyes to see
there are more with me than against!
So go ahead -hit me with your best shot!
God has got my back!
His power is what YOU lack
Through Him I can do anything-
He gives me everything
He is the Lord, the God of all mankind!
nothing is too hard for Him!

Continue to my next short posts for more on FEAR and don't miss Don't Apologize For Being Hot for more on THIS subject. For part 3: Cowards, Codependency and UnConditional Love