It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl
There's a line from the movie IRobot where the rogue robot who had learned to "feel" and Will Smith's character Spooner is trying to arrest because he knows he knows something about the death of Dr Lanning says, "What am I?"
I used to be a Polyanna, Goody- Goody, June Cleaver.....and I thought everything would eventually come up roses. (NOT the "War of the Roses"!) After all I'm such a good girl God's going to make everything in my life peachy, as long as I do what I feel He wants me to, right? And if I must get a divorce? It's okay 'cause I'm such a "Good girl" God's gona send me a perfect Christian man on a white horse to come fix everything!
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.
I recently posted this on facebook;
Not long after I moved in this house (August 2016) I celebrated my 50th birthday by going to the Georgia National Fair alone (Pretending pretty Polyanna was just Peachy!) In November my younger son and I picked me up a TV on Black Friday.
I spent much of that first year working on the house- trying to find a job and lying on my sofa with my dog watching "Grey's Anatomy" and/or crying, one night I heard Jon's unmistakable voice in the background of Grey's and realized he'd been doing this beautiful solo stuff......
The Cure for Pain- Jon Foreman
12-4-19 BTW I started watching Grey's Anatomy just a couple years ago because of my sister-in-law AND because I so related to April Kepner's redheaded (Extra conservative Evangelical fundamentalist- she drank though, I didn't before) character. I recently saw the season 14 episode: "Personal Jesus" and was thinking about the concept again of, "Life imitating art"
AND If I had seen this before? It would've probably pissed me off. I'd have been like, there they go painting Christians in a bad light. NOW I SAY, THERE THAT WRITER Shonda Rhimes, GOES BEING REAL AGAIN. Now I've had spoilers (From Youtube) cause I'm not caught up on episodes: Grey's is just too much to binge watch! Especially where I am emotionally right now. And it seems she gets her faith back but I don't think my story's going that way, but we will see........
*** More explanation of vacation!
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved
Also in October 2018, I had a series of Airbnb guests through here who I told about my love and a few of them warned me about the possibility that he just wanted his green card. One girl said, I don’t want you to get your heart broken. I replied. Not possible It’s already in pieces: broken by my children. No man can break my heart like that. And that was the reason it all happened anyways: I had absolutely nothing to lose! If I were in regular contact with my kids, involved in church with church friends, if I were in college to be a Pastor would I get involved with a Muslim man 25 years younger than me? Hell no! I had already been celibate 4 years was date raped the year before. I was lonely and vulnerable but not divorced yet! (it was finalized 2 weeks after he left!) Ha! Jokes on you Mo! I also wasn’t going to give up easily the alimony I worked -yes ma’am worked so hard to get! Mo gave up on me (mid October) and I could sense that so decided to get off the merry go round and break up with him in November of 2018. Yeah it hurt some when he said, “It’s weird that you think it (marriage) was a possibility” Wow he never had spoke to me in that manner before, ever! And that’s when I knew he was a fake! But my heart was already broken so........whatever
But perhaps that adage goes here also: Hurt people hurt people. I was a good mom but I know too, that I wasn't perfect and the way I was so religiously strict and let their father be so unrelenting and invalidating and sometimes even physically abusive to them was wrong. I am sorry, hopefully my kids and I will eventually work these things out and start spending time together more often.
So I came to a conclusion last December: I felt like most of my children were spending time with me because of some obligation: Oh it's Christmas I have to spend time with mom:CHECK Oh it's her birthday; Went to the fair with mom: CHECK. I no longer enjoyed it, nor did they NOR did I feel loved or respected or even liked! I felt I was only being simply TOLERATED and I couldn't tolerate that any longer! It has been a most difficult year but I DO feel it was necessary and that I have grown in many ways.
I recently listened in one day to the book,
by Jamie Lee Finch and to say I enjoyed it- is incorrect- it resonated with me and convicted me because I raised my kids that way! I recently e-mailed it to my children- with no words because I had none- I thought I could just say, "I'm sorry" but for now perhaps they can give Jamie's book a listen when they have time. I think they are all in different places in their individual journeys and I am done pushing anything on anyone- wether it be their relationship with religion or no religion or even me!
I'm also getting free weekly therapy at the health department.
I'm reading the book Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell PhD
I'm finding this very helpful!
Also continuing to learn alot from Brenda's channel: God Is Grey
Soon I'll be writing about the Spiritual abuse I've been through and all the reasons why I finally decided to be identified as an #ExEvangelical, so stay tuned!
She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
If I move on who does this? Nat
Maybe it doesn't need to be done. Cap "Avenger's Endgame"
The poem below was inspired by the character, Black Widow in Marvel's Cinematic Universe. I draw a parallel to my own life; tears ran down my face when she spoke those words,
"I used to have nothing, Then I got this job- this family....." Then she died.....It was PROFOUND and when I wrote about the date rape and Mo- the green card guy, I used the words to TSwifts, "Look What You Made Me Do" in which she says,
"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now."
"Oh, 'cause she's dead!"
She (TSwift) meant she died, in a figurative way and so did I.
In the Red room
They sterilize you
In the Red room you lost your virginity
Or did you lie to me?
I used to have nothing
Then I got this job- this family
And I was better because of it
Now I have to give up that which I love most
Just to find myself?
What am I?
Who am I?
And even when they're all gone
I'm still here trying to be better....or worse?
Whatever it takes
That's me!? Wow! DragonCon 2017
Deconstruct don't Self destruct!
I can't write
I can't cook
Nothing tastes right
I can't even make banana pudding from a box?
Should I swipe right?
What do you want?
What are you looking for?
What salary do you expect?
Are you gona send them a text?
I want out of this town!
But where should I go?
To the beach or the mountains,
To the East or the West?
If I move away will I see them less?
That doesn't seem possible
What do I want?
Trying to figure that out
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