Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Look What You Made Me Do

Mohamad on my porch.........

 I'm sorry the old Susan can't come to the phone right now.....

To see this in a different format see my other blog: Redheaded Writing Hood

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

 Psalm 27:1-2

I have not blogged in over a year. I've been abit disillusioned I guess. Not just with people but with MYSELF too. I've also been  busy doing Airbnb: This is a website and App where you can rent out spaces in your home or elsewhere if you own them or your lease allows.

So my recent beau doesn't like Taylor Swift   and is partial to Adele who "just walks" in her videos. (It's fine but kinda boring) I guess he didn't approve of Taylor's sexiness. It's not Okay -but being deceptive and manipulative so you can get a green card (and hopefully a threesome?!) is perfectly OKAY.

I actually was showing him my favorite video of hers right now. She sure is looking super sexy in the begining of "Look What You made Me Do" hahahaha Zombie Taylor!

 I don't like your games....

The role you made me play
Of the fool, no, I don't like you

But when it comes to lyrics I'm really not partial to just ONE artist:

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay you bare
See how I leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.....Adele

Am I really going to post this?! Yep I am! It's God who makes me FEARLESS. I'll SPEAK NOW or forever hold my peace! Cause I don't give a damn about my REPUTATION!

What a sad, beautiful, tragic love affair I had in August with this Beau! I was in a down mood, just finally had my divorce mediation after 4 and a half years! And what TIMING, there just happens to be a tall dark mysterious handsome stranger renting a room in my house for the month! I'm now 40K in credit card debt (It doubled because of the mediation)- just drove across the country by myself!!!!  I was exahausted and my finances were completely drained. I'm like "God I don't want to do this anymore!" I had wanted one of my kids to go to California with me- my youngest or my younger son but it wasn't to be and turned out to be for the best since I was traveling on limited funds.

I've discovered what matters most is TRUTH. Jesus is called the Truth in the Bible. I strive to always tell the truth but I've also discovered that that even when you do that it doesn't mean people will believe you!

I told my beau "I'm 51 years old and had two men!" But he didn't believe me, he pretended to though. Since I said I was raped he got me a home HIV test. That's "normal" right? To get your "good friend" you just met three weeks ago! The second man I'd ever "been" with lied, mislead, manipulated and date raped me August 27, 2017. I met him on Zoosk. His name is Charles and he's a Police lieutenant in Quitman Georgia. Oh no she didn't!? YES I DID! I'm so sick of being PLAYED. He said I could come to his "nice house" (It's a dump actually) and sleep! We were to watch a movie but conviently his DVD player didn't work! I know, I know, I was an idiot! A NAIVE IDIOT! I took my medicine which puts me to sleep and got in bed with all my clothes on! Really! He said I could sleep in the spare room and I should have went in there and locked the door! I even took my dog with me! What a big help- all 11lbs of her! I had went to see my sons at college and got into an argumment (again) with my oldest son. So I was a mess and sick of living in a house full of baby memories 4 of my 5 kids having been born while we lived in this house where I was now imprisioned. Not being able to find a "real" job was further demoralizing me. And now I was struggling just to get these kids I felt I poured my whole life into to just spend some time with me!? So I was lonely and acted STUPIDLY.

This man kept waking me up and at one point I cried, asking him to stop, I'd go to sleep and he'd wake me up again til finally I just let him finish and left and I couldn't even drive all the way (2 hour drive) home but had to stop to sleep. Then I blocked him on Zoosk and my phone, I couldn't even bear to meet anyone else with that dating app I canceled it before my subscription was over. I also didn't date again until a year later when I (accidentally) fell in love with this goreous, sweet, perfect foriegn medical student who lived in my house for a month. But he didn't love me- he was a great actor though! At one point I just declared, "Where did you come from?" He replied (In that sexy accent) "My mother's womb"

I will now affectionately call these men: Thing 1 (Who is "Pop" the exhusband) Best lover of them all BTW God is right COMMITTED SEX IS BEST! Thing 2 is the lieutenant in Quitman: Worst lover of the three! If the only way you can get sex is to steal it? That's pretty bad. Thing 3 is who I'm speaking of mostly here cause he's still on my mind: The smell of his Axe fresh in the ofactories and his Tide pods and Air fresheners he got me hooked on. This guy was all about smelling good and I so loved making him laugh, like when I was lying in his arms and declared "Even your armpits smell good!" AND Thing 3 and I didn't have sex until right before he left- he wasn't after sex and he is very SMART, he was after a green card so he acted very valiantly like he wasn't after just one thing! His words were "That's just using you" lol It was just something else he wanted to use me for! It ended up being August 27 which was another "red flag" the same day I was raped! (The year before) I wasn't raped but I was lied to and played yet again. I now think because of certain details I've not disclosed here that he's quite possibly gay.

Salute to me, I'm an American queen......(Taylor Swift)

"hahahahahaha" is a great answer when your a foreigner and wondering "What the hell is this crazy woman talking about?" Thing 3 lives in a very oppressed country where you can't even be any other religion but one. It's not just the women, they are all oppressed in this country! The women are the most oppressed but none of them are free! Watch out for those "Religious Police" Two young beautiful women recently drown themselves in the Hudson River because they didn't want to return there! So sad! It's no wonders this man is so sexually oppressed he needs to come to America to....Well there's also Bahrain but this is ridiculous! I really don't agree with this over sexed American culture but young men shouldn't have to go to sex trafficked prostitutes in another country to have sex!

The M is for Jesus Who is the MESSIAH! MERRY CHRISTMAS! Also for Missions, possibly Mexico and I still want to become a Minister! And I love M &Ms!

I've been spending the last four years
Thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in August I watched it begin again......

Don't blame me, love made me crazy
If it doesn't, you ain't doing it right
Lord, save me, my drug is my baby
I'll be using for the rest of my life

                My ex called me fat. He called me protein . Sweet and funny, "Handsome, you're a mansion with a view"......Totally Iressistble! He said he loved the way I spoke about my children- how much I loved them. I told him I was sooooo happy cause I was in love he said, "I pray you are always happy" He would say, "I'm getting old" I said "How old are you now 30?" I said "I've been here since before you were born" I wrote in my journal that I was "gone" OMG I was totally freaking out- (It was crazy and wonderful at the same time) messaging friends to pray for me who were going through their own more serious issues (Like cancer) How can I avoid this man? He's living in my house for a month! He seems perfectly content to message me every night (til late) from his room, watch movies with me on the weekend, take me out to eat, listen to my stupid stories....I even apologized for talking so much about my ex! My bad! He replied, 'You were with him for 30 years, so it's understandable" Why is he so nice? He's smells so good and he's so handsome! Shit: Lord Help!

I thought heaven can't help me now
Nothing lasts forever
But this is gonna take me down
He's so tall, and handsome as hell
I thought he was good but
He's so bad but he does it so well

Earlier this year I had something in my mind when I woke up- this is a way God speaks to me sometimes: It was "The Girl On The Trian" Hmmmmm? Weird? I did not know what it meant until recently. I even saw the book used somewhere and picked it up but never read it. I'd probably get the movie sometime, to figure this mystery out......It ended up being the first movie we watched together. He said he liked it but he didn't know why. I do.....Red Flag #1 (Which I ignored) Terribly sad movie! Full of dysfunction, sex, murder and manipulation! Three women are abused in it and one of them dies!

 He called me an "Evil Redhead" like I seduced him and I've never been called evil in my whole life! I know it's a line but I like to be called an "Angel". He kept going on and on about a guest I had and a girl who worked at Chick Fil A -until it just got creepy and made me mad. It was funny for alittle and I encouraged it and made it worse. He also relentlessly joked about me being gay until that too was not funny anymore! I loved him and he led me on and let me down. He was very infequent with the messages by the end of October. He had left September 2nd. He never said he loved me, he just did and said things that made me think he did. I finally (Mid Nov.) sent him a message saying I was just "there" and that's why it happened, could've been any of those others and I said I think he wanted it to be two of us.

 Stay here, honey, I don't wanna share!

We had also "joked" alot about the harem because in that most wonderful country (WHERE HE NEEDS TO STAY) men are allowed to have up to 4 wives! Once he joked that I could pick the others!!!! LOL Yeah IN YOUR DREAMS MAN! I finally WOKE UP because he responded overly offended and focused only on "these accusations" THIS WAS THE FIRST I EVER SUSPECTED HIM SERIOUSLY OF BEING DECEPTIVE. Then he just said my accusations were baseless and illogical but they were'nt. I had also said I still loved him and that he was wonderful but first all he focused on were the accusations.

He said: I think I'm understanding why my friends tell me i am too nice sometimes
It seems when you be nice to others they believe that the only possiblity is because you have a wicked goal behind it

Then he said he wouldn't even address the accusations and thanked me for all the nice words and said he truly wished me the best of luck in my life! Wow! I was astounded and heart-broken! This was someone I thought might show up in October and ask me to marry him! And I was gona say yes!  

I wrote him a message I didn't send because I was so shocked and heart broken. I wanted to address what he said about being "Too nice" :

AND furthermore don't worry AT ALL about being TOO NICE! I thought you didn't say anything to your friends about me anyways? This does not apply in this situation in any way.

I was not accusing you of being nice to achieve wicked intentions or goals. What you were doing was being DECEPTIVE and I'm still unsure as to why. I guess I perhaps thought you were trying to let me down easy but to me what you did was lead me on- making me think you wanted to stay in my life when you didn't. :-(

Because I seriously doubt you were ever nice to others in the way you were to me. I certainly hope not. The things you said and did for me made me feel loved and accepted and like someone you wanted to keep in your life.
 For instance:
1You researched the safety of giving blood plasma- even said you were being "fatherly" What the heck?!
2 You spent 45$ on an HIV test for me (Because of the rape)
3 You let me have 120$ for my cruise payment
4. You bought me food took me to eat etc. and watched movies with me
5 When you left I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, then you said "See you in a couple months" You kept in touch and apologized when you weren't keeping in touch
6 You kept saying things like "I pray you are always happy" etc.
7 You told me you might be here in October at which time you also said you were so glad I was making money (Driving for Lyft) and surrounded by good people (New Airbnb guests)
8 You told me you'd be here in January and said you'd keep me updated
9 You kept showing an interest in my life until you abruptly stopped

November 18, 2018 (Journal)

Lord, I am sad :-( I miss him. I enjoyed all our time in my delusion., thinking he cared. It's just like with Pop. I'm GLAD I didn't realize it. I was happy all of August and mostly for the 27 years with my ex- wait no I wasn't but sometimes I was- I wasn't miserable the whole time.

But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
I've got a list of names and yours is in red, underlined
I check it once, then I check it twice, oh!

I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
I'll be the one starring in your bad dreams!

Oops...Did I post that? Do you know this man? 'Cause I seriously have no idea who he is.

Ask me if I hate you NOW.......

 I don't regret it one bit, 'cause he had it coming

Messages from September 14, 2018 when I found out I was FINALLY divorced! Just two weeks later he messaged me that he'd be back in the USA that same month! (October 2018) He was attempting to reel me in! But -I think- when he realized I was not serious (I said this here to TEST him: Do you see that he failed?) he cut the line! My thoughts: He may have never left the states at all but he purposely booked on Airbnb end of October, so I would see it, then he claimed he came all the way from Saudi and was only here for 30 hours!!! Yeah I believe that! NOT

I wrote a continuation here Coffee, Contact Paper and Chick-Fil-A Leaves Me Cynical and Celibate!

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Say you'll remember me
Standing in a white dress
Staring at the full moon
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just pretend.....

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own
I made up my mind, I'm better off being alone...

 I wrote these after Thing 2 raped me:

back to yesterday
If only If only!
I could go back to yesterday
It seems so far away
Before my mistake,
Let them eat cake,
Before the phone calls,
One too many long drives,
How can I survive?
Please help me Lord!
Wash me with hyssop
And I shall be clean,
Whiter than snow
Why did I go
The hardest thing is
To forgive myself!

The Player
You said I'd write a poem about you,
You were right about that too,
The player only loves you when he's playin'
He's a smooth operator,
Cool as can be,
With his cologne, jeans and cowboy boots
He lures you into his trap
Sweet as heck,
He says you can sleep,
But no, he makes you feel cheap,
Yes he's a smooth operator,
Like a spider crawling across the floor,
Better hurry out the door,
Before you end up on the floor,
he has a gun,
out out dam spot
The Blood will run,
But that's His blood
It cleanses every sin and stain,
Oh the blood of Jesus!
It washes me white as snow.....

The Lieutenant
I was innocent, naive and trusting
Now I'm cynical, shrewd
And busting heads!
I am so mad!!!!
At you and myself
I was trying to keep myself pure!
Til that evil man lured me into his trap
Oh snap!
Look what you made me do! 

 Wrote these recently:

When one door closes,
God opens a window-
And I jumped out of it!
And like a cat:
I land on my feet!
I've got 9 Lives!
let's jo!
Are you ready for adventure?

About Thing 3

I'm still in your hand old man,
It's your decision,
Still so scary,
Terrifying even,
But I'm a brave woman these days,
A confident one,
A strong one,
Thank-you very much!
I'll be Okay
Either way,
Come what may,
No turning back...
Because ultimately I know;
We're all in His hands.....

Tonight I saw the full moon
And cursed you-
Every time I see it-
I'll think of you-
And in the daylight, the doughnuts and cheeseballs!
CVS where we got the contact paper
There's a grasshopper and a wasp,
Coffee or tea?
And just like that
You axe me?
I knew you were too good to be true-
And now I'm blue :-(
But I still miss you....

That evil angel Redhead,
You'll never forget her,
And her crazy tease,
She's simply irresistible
Her loving is unstoppable,
She'll follow you forever,
And haunt your dreams.
2 personalities for one!
She's unpredictable-
Too unselfish to marry you
you young thing-
She'll wait til your child bearing wife comes
Oops- she didn't even suspect you just wanted your green card!
But no it's a RED CARD for you!
get outta my country man!
Sorry- Not sorry

The waiting
There grows a vine and there's an empty bottle of wine
At his house but not mine
I'd invite him in
But I've made up my mind
To be pure
Stay away from that ledge!
No more cliff hanging!
I'm not even dating
Cause that always leads to mating
And I'm waiting!

Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

Keep your eyes open, My love!
God has so much for you Christian!
And you're just throwing it away-
Going on your stubborn way.
When if you'd keep your focus on Me-
There's so much that you would see-
But where'd you throw your purity?
Get it back- so you can see!
If you ask you will receive
And your purity retrieve
There's the fire,
There's that spark
You know I’ll never let you fall apart
Now Keep your eyes open, My love

Inspired by a internet dating site question:

My perfect match?
It's simple really,
He must love Jesus,
He must love children,
He must love dogs,
He must love Switchfoot AND Taylor!,
& he must love me!
And be an American!

Thank you very much!

For these poems and more look for my upcoming book , RED: Redeemed- Equipped-Delivered