For Part 1 Dreams: Sowing and Reaping
The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know! Let It Go (Elsa) from Disney's "Frozen"
Lilo: "'Ohana" means "family." "Family" means "no one gets left behind." But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you though.
[looking at her picture of her dead parents]
Lilo: I remember everyone that leaves. From the Disney movie, "Lilo and Stitch"
Why are movies so appealing to us? Why do we love all the heroes and the villains? Why are the popular movies so "popular"? I think it's because the hero (or heroine) are portrayed as humans just like us, they have "flaws" but they always conquer their "fatal flaw" and come out on top- They discover what they were "made" for. And isn't that what we all desire?
Right now I'm reading "What On Earth Am I Here For? The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Our whole church (Well mostly) is doing it. Rick says, "People who don't know their purpose try to do too much- and that causes stress, fatigue, and conflict...It is impossible to do everything people want you to do. You have just enough time to do God's will. If you can't get it all done, it means you're trying to do more than God intended for you to do. Purpose-driven living leads to a simpler lifestyle and a saner schedule.....Knowing your purpose focuses your life." I can't wait to go to Joanne's tonight for this small group study!
Having courage is so invigorating and weird. I guess cause I've never had so much before. Writing and therefore studying and thinking about fear has transformed me!
Back in September a facebook app sent me this:
Today, Susan, we believe God wants you to know that ...
family is not a name for a group of people, but the quality of relationships between them.
Relationships grounded in mutual love, trust, caring and forgiveness. In all the ups and all the downs of life. Look closely, - who is really your family, and who in truth are just strangers in for the ride?
I guess it was about two weeks ago I finally sent my niece a book on dreams and visions that I found at Gottwals book store here in Byron. She had been having very interesting and frightening dreams and I had told her that they do mean something and that she should ask God about them. I had in mind two scriptures to share with her, to write in the cover. One I had already- well kinda- it's in Daniel and says, "...there is a God in heaven who reveals secrets..." Daniel 2:28. then the other one I knew was in the book of Joel and says,
"And it shall come to pass afterward
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
Your old men shall dream dreams,
Your young men shall see visions." Joel 2:28
Both the scriptures I looked for were in chapter 2, verse 28 and I thought that was interesting and thought February 28th is coming up. I wonder?.....And then something very significant DID happen last Friday, February 28th. And what was so weird was that this is something that I thought would simply DEVASTATE me and it DID NOT. In fact, I felt like it freed me! It was so so so so weird! It was a "light bulb" moment for me. Why did I feel so free that I was giddy? My spouse had become my addiction long ago and when I let him go (I didn't try to talk him out of it or call or text him) I was finally free.
But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. I Corinthians 7:15
It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I am free! Elsa
But before the 28th was the 25th and something significant happened on that day also. And you know what? The 25th was a bad day and the 28th was a great day! On the 25th I gave in and gave up and had a pity party. I ran away, just like before it didn't work then and it didn't work now. When will I learn? I've said it myself before: I'm done going to pity parties; BOTH yours and mine but I will pray for you....
I will say one thing for myself though, this time I was crying to the right Person, at least- God. When I cried to him (a mere man) he did what he usually does: NOTHING. Not a word or a touch to comfort me. Which said to me, "Yeah they're all mad at you again and it's your own fault cause you're a bitch"
In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The LORD is with me; he is my helper. I will look in triumph on my enemies. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes. Psalm 118
But having an all night cry session in an abandoned ruined rental house did something to me. I felt like noone cared about me- which isn't true- but believing the devil's lies lead to sin. (See Genesis 3:4) So I texted someone who I thought did care about me. What?! OMG! Now I don't even know how to do that thing they call "sexting" so don't even go thinking untrue stuff about me, K?! This was an innocent friendly sort of text. I couldn't even bear to say it was the hubby I had a problem with and I blamed it mostly on my son. The text may have been a tiny tiny tad "flirty". I needed a "fix" real bad- so I "fell off the wagon". Someone reading it wouldn't even guess it was "flirty" at all, except for our secret "code words". But that's over- deleted the number and the texts. Told the hubby again- Why? TBH- I tell him all the time to get a reaction (or try to get one). Does this man feel anything?! Last Friday I said something about it: Know what? I'm being easier on myself. I need BALANCE. Before I'd make a tiny infraction and beat myself up over it forever. punish myself. I think back in the day, like Martin Luther- they had whips -they'd whip themselves with! Yeah I was like that! And when ever anything is wrong between me and somebody? IT MUST BE ALL MY FAULT- Cause I'm slime right? NO! I'M NOT I AM A CHILD OF THE ONE TRUE KING! It was probably an itsy bitsy tiny tiny infraction- but Thank God for His Grace! I'm forgiving myself and forgetting about it! —
Is there something or someone you're hiding from or running from, because you are fearful? Remember this verse from Deuteronomy 31:6 (MSG) "Be strong. Take courage. Don't be intimidated. Don't give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He's right there with you. He won't let you down; he won't leave you." From "Hope for the Broken Heart"s facebook page.
Then Sunday I had another small setback. It was another temptation for me. This is why I couldn't have bared this before, because I thought I wouldn't be complete without a man in my life. I was finally to the place Katy Perry sings about; I need nothing to complete myself, no.
I Corinthians 10:13 was K-Loves verse of the day Thursday: "No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it." I write about temptation quite frequently. What I find interesting about this verse is the phrase that says God "will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able". That speaks to me of "humility" which I spoke of in that last link and I also wrote about here. It's saying, "OK there IS a point I wouldn't be able to bear" And I can testify to this since, although, every time I fight with my husband a cute guy suddenly appears, when I'm at my lowest point they are unavailable for whatever reason- gone- cause I knew I had a "problem" with that person sometimes but sometimes God steps in and makes that person go away. This happened with "Michael" because I wasn't to my lowest point in our "house-building trauma" at the point I met him, that came later and he was gone. And TBH when I get to that "low point" like on the 25th- I'll be like, "Now where'd that guy go?" Thank You Jesus- he's unavailable!
The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.~ Psalm 34:19
The book of Hebrews says of Jesus, "For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." 4:15 Now THAT says to me that if He was tempted in "all points" as we are that He must have been tempted sexually just as we are.
Sometimes especially when I was at 195-200 lbs. I was like, "What do I have to do for you guys to leave me alone? Dress like an Amish woman?" Because overweight didn't make my "problem" go away like I thought it would. I wouldn't get as many "passes" perhaps but I still wanted them. It didn't solve MY part of the problem- which was the only thing I could change.
Sunday? I didn't even do what I was going to do. This was premeditated flirting which I wanted to do right in front of Bob- how terrible is that? He acts as though he doesn't care because I usually do (when I'm a good girl) but if I flirted back- if I like the guy back then it's not OK. Even though I didn't do it it brought me down that night. When the devil gets us to do his bidding. When we lose our courage and run- we get depressed! I'm finding that courage brings me joy and "The joy of the Lord is my strength" Nehemiah 8:10 Listen to my Bible study about Elijah Was it just a "coincidence" that Elijah got depressed after he ran from Jezebel? I don't think so.
Then on Monday God used my analogies on me: I was feeding my cats and there was an itsy bitsy spider by the cat food container and I knew God was speaking to me and I immediately swished it before it could run under the fridge. Then I was sorting the laundry again and was annoyed that Teddy keeps throwing his laundry down and mixing it up with ours, so I put his dirty laundry in a basket with a note that read: Teddy, this is dirty- please quit throwing your laundry down the chute- only towels. Thanks! I lifted the basket up and felt something crawl on my hand EKKKKK. It was another itsy bitsy spider about the same color as my hand! And I exclaimed, "Are you kidding me?!" knocked it off my hand and swished it too.
It was like God was saying to me, "See Susan there's always gona be someone who will flirt with you, there will always be spiders, dogs or a Can O' Worms just waiting to be opened but didn't you say it was time to take your own advice? Love alone is worth the fight, isn't it? Do you want to be able to say you gave it your best shot? Or do you want to put nails in your marriages coffin?"
But God what about my story? He blew it all to bits! I can't write about You restoring our marriage if our marriage is down the drain. God what do I do now?
"Susan, what did I tell you to do?"
You said to send it in to.....Is that really what You said God?
"Yes".
What do I tell them?
"Tell the truth Susan."
God I'm stuck on chapter 2 on virtue because I don't know how much to tell.
"Tell the truth, Susan. The whole truth and nothing but the truth."
God, I'm scared.
"You know we've already talked about that, read your scriptures over again every day if you have to. Everything happens for a reason Susan. The story's not over yet. It's 'stranger than fiction'- they're gona love it, Susan, I promise you."
But God what can I tell them about the ending?
"It's a surprise Susan, don't 'spoil' it!"
The other day I heard this new Steven Curtis Chapman song on the radio:
Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold
Steven Curtis Chapman- Glorious Unfolding
All this controversy with Katy Perry at the Grammys- wow- am I sorry I mentioned her? No, because her stuff continues to just "go" with what I'm writing, like she says,
Make me your Aphrodite
Make me your one and only...Katy Perry, "Dark Horse"
It would be kinda nice to be treated like a "god" wouldn't it? But the ten commandments say You shall have no other gods before Me
"If you become a necessity (like a "god"?) to someone else’s life, you are out of God’s will." Oswald Chambers, “My Utmost for His Highest”
Just like the band Switchfoot's name I didn't even know what a "dark horse" was- so I looked it up:
A dark horse is a little-known person or thing that emerges to prominence, especially in a competition of some sort or a contestant that seems unlikely to succeed.
Switchfoot also has a song about "Dark Horses";
We’re singing…
Hey, you can’t count us out
We’ve been running up against the crowd
Yeah, we are the dark horses
We’re singing…
Wait, don’t care what they say
We know we’ll find a way
Yeah! We are the dark horses
I was reading while walking on the treadmill the other day and THIS jumped out at me, "I believe in me. I'm no longer afraid. I can cope regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow and I'm through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in the path."
"By making it clear that there are limits to what you will tolerate, you are showing self-respect and confidence"
Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve...But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15
Ours is the Savior who sings of us, of the woman who won't walk away from the unjust judge, the woman who will not walk away from the call, from the plea, the women who never give up, who just keep on keeping on — and He says she is honored and His, the woman who just keeps going and giving and believing in grace. Ann Voscamp
“Arise, and do not be afraid.” Jesus (Mark 17:7)
Arise, for this matter is your responsibility. We also are with you. Be of good courage, and do it. Ezra 10:4
You'll never see me cry. Elsa From the Disney movie, "Frozen"
Refrain your voice from weeping, And your eyes from tears; For your work shall be rewarded, says the LORD, And they shall come back from the land of the enemy. There is hope in your future, says the LORD, That your children shall come back to their own border. Jeremiah 31:16-17
Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.
Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway
"Let it Go" From the Disney movie, "Frozen"
I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted...Sara Bareilles
I don't know what's going to happen, but that's OK. I'm accepting the fact that my family maybe broken. I can only do my part, I'm not doing his anymore. I'm not going to enable his passivity and irresponsibility. Since I am the head of this house, the queen of my castle, then I'm not going to allow someone coming in here undermining my authority and shaming me into submission!
Stitch: This is my family. I found it, all on my own. Is little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good. From the Disney movie, "Lilo and Stitch"
Deep waters hold reflections
Of times lost long ago
I will hear their every story
Take hold of my own dream
Be as strong as the seas are stormy
And proud as an eagle's scream
I will ride, I will fly
Chase the wind and touch the sky
I'm reposting an old poem from Cats and Dogs
because it goes so well and this has been my life for the past 27 years but keep reading because my new poem is at the bottom.
The Woman You gave me....
You tell us to dress modestly?
Yet my man looks at pornography?
Get a job!
No, stay at home!
You're damned either way!
Fry the bacon up in a pan,
Make you feel like a man,
It's his world you know?
Have your babies naturally,
Nurse them, it's more healthy, see?
Never say, "What about me?"
Live your life selflessly-
Barefoot, pregnant,
And when you're not you should be rail thin,
So you only cook for him,
Shut the door, come right back in,
Car pool, help out everyone, volunteer, yeah it's so fun!
Yet you're always on the run,
Tired, exhausted, disillusioned,
A desperate plea, "Lord help!"
"ENOUGH!" He says, "Peace be still!"
Who are you living for? Them or Me?
Do you want to be made free?
Guard your heart, it belongs to Me!
You give respect, now demand it back,
Don't dwell on all the things you lack,
You are perfect to me!
Teach your kids, your husband too,
One person can't do it all for you,
To be healthy and sane you must have boundaries,
God's yoke is easy and light!
It's not restrictive and tight!
He leads you on the path that's right,
Because YOU ARE PRECIOUS IN HIS SIGHT!
The song that inspired the poem: Pink- Perfect
Resurrection
Oh no it's dead!
I killed it
What do I do?
God? Are You here?
I AM
It was beaten down so long
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling
Like a storm or a breeze.
I could so easily freeze.
But no I melt
At the thought of One Who loves so much
So much more than just a teenage crush
He freed me
So I fall to my knees
He's the only One I want to please
My Maker is my husband
He even heals Stockholm Syndrome
I don't believe in lies
Little girl ARISE
And the story has only just begun
Now take the ball and run
For Part 3 On Dreams See: Dream Home
