Me reading my book, "What Elephant?"

To read about why you shouldn't buy this book right now (unless you buy it from me) go here.

Hi I'm Susan AKA Red

Intro Video on my new Youtube channel.

The Apple Does Not Fall Far From the Tree! Another Frienemy

She ignored my questions about where? From who? and how much did she pay? Those were from March 14th. Then on the 27th of March I sent the message about, "We shouldn't be friends...." The other messages are from March 28th and after I sent her the last one, I blocked her. Her and her daughter are very very SAD and PATHETIC.


 Here's more to my previous post
So the lady I made friends with because she bought an item from me on facebook ended being the mom of an enemy from the church I was at 18 years ago, her daughter was one of the women that made sure to get three deacons to come escort me and my one year old baby out of church! So I THOUGHT it was all a coincidence but now I believe it was all planned! Another thing I recently discovered is her daughter who has a different last name now has me blocked on facebook, but why? I'm not looking her up, harassing her or want to "friend" her after 18 years? There was NO facebook then! I was not even thinking about her, seeing her or anything! So why block me now? So her mom can buy something from me on facebook, befriend me and bullshit and harass me, I guess? And she had me going! I really thought she was doing these things by accident! But then she said I should change my book! Then I finally realized. I've said this poem that I've memorized all over, in Mexico, the Bahamas, all over the US, it makes women cry and people paid me 20 bucks for "The Seven Story Tree" which that poem is in, when it was only $7.00 on Amazon back then! I have learned an important lesson though; I'm NOT going to sell myself short anymore! I'm worth being treated right! I should have people pay me for my books. I gave away way too many! I am worth having my friends and family respect me! If they don't then I'll let them go.

 Read here about why my REAL FRIENDS know not to get my, "What Elephant?" book on Amazon.

                                           My review of "What Elephant?" on Amazon:

The Church Reunion, Being Brave and Staying Safe

 So practice and observe everything they tell you, but do not do as they do; for they preach, but do not practice them. Matthew 23:3





I made a few friends through selling stuff on facebook. Then I found out one of them was related to a person from my past: 





Recent texts with a friend:

Me: Hey I've had a crazy night -omg

Guy Friend: Good or bad kinda crazy? 

Me: I went square dancing with my new friend and found out her daughter is this woman I knew from church years ago and all these ppl from back then were at square dancing. It's a long crazy story.....

It's kinda like a weird dream- ever have one of those? Lol

Did I ever tell you I was kicked out of three churches in the area? (This is kinda an exaggeration because it was ONE church in 2002 and TWO Celebrate Recovery's: Shady Grove and Southside Baptist Church in 2014 and those last two were because of Charlie B. and Sandy H.) I'm that crazy lol not really- they are that bad well it's a long story and this person I saw tonight had a part in the first one.

Guy friend: Sounds like quite an adventure lol

Me: It was......I was telling my friend the story on the way home

I was wondering HOW THE HECK to make this LONG STORY SHORTER AND I CAME UP WITH:

Me: And it's just so hilarious this will sound made up but listen! I was escorted out of church by three deacons for gossiping about the pastor then after we left my oldest  is watching Dr Phil one day and says "Mom come here!" And guess who is on there? The church (same church I was kicked out of) secretary and her husband and she's fell in love with a woman and left him! Well, they got back together and he taught me how to square dance tonight!  True story- yee haw! 

 

Guy friend: LMAO 

Note: It is not my intention to bad mouth these people who went on Dr Phil but just to show the hypocrisy of the leadership for having me escorted out of church. (Trust me we were NOT going to continue going there) It is interesting to note, however, that there were four of us ladies (about my age and abit older) from this old church who were married at that time and of the four of us (me included) ONLY the one who was on Dr Phil is still married to the same man. JS (What church does Dr Phil go to? lol)

 BTW: I didn't continue at square dancing (I only wanted to try it out anyway) and of course now it's been canceled like everything else. It was honestly triggering to see all these people again and I knew (beyond the shadow of a doubt) 18 years ago that I no longer wanted to see these people every week!

 Being Brave....

Facebook status March 17, 2020

Ya all I’m tenacious, long suffering and (too) forgiving! I’ve been through the ringer! When I think of what went down in the Church I was at 20 years ago- that we went on to another Church to more dysfunctional crap.....but it was just what was familiar to me! I’m looking forward to moving on, eventually getting out of this town and down the line learning to have healthy relationships with my friends (now) AND my children (I guess later) but we all need to forgive one another- I’m not saying I was perfect -far from it - but I’m no longer taking all the blame and being the scapegoat either! It’s a long, complicated story and I didn’t really want to relive it but things kept happening to remind me as if Someone was saying, “Susan you need to write this” Like someone running for city council (Charlie B.)......then square dancing?! of all things! Just continuing to run into people but -wait -why is this weird? Cause I’ve been in this area for 30 years and these people -some of whom I haven’t seen in 18 years! (It was 2002 actually when we left that church) And I was reminded again today when a Sara Bareilles song came on the radio:! She sang, “Say what you wanna say, let the words come out -honestly - I wanna see you be brave!” And with my divorce it was similar, I know some will disagree but I HAD to get ANGRY in order to get away from the abuse and it honestly always aids me in my writing process!


  Status Today (March 20, 2020)

So as if I even needed another sign. (I definitely DIDN'T but thanks) Today I awoke to a comment from my fellow gossiper from 18 years ago! (To the post ABOVE: March 17th) I should "give it to God. Just be me and live my best life." (Thank -you- I am! I also "gave it to God" probably a million times! Why don't He keep it!?) Is she having an "attack of conscience" after 18 years? YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN ESCORTED OUT OF CHURCH WITH ME, GIRL! (She's the one that asked me, "What's going on?" and you know why? Because of the Pastor's comments in his sermon!) That was the church we left in 2002 and I questioned whether to even include it in my recent Spiritual abuse story from 2012 and 2014 which mainly has to do with people (namely Charlie B. and his sidekick Sandy H.) from "Celebrate Recovery" at Southside Baptist Church here in Warner Robins and Shady Grove in Byron. I'm not naming the church even from 18 years ago because it's a very different church now, with totally different leadership. BUT the stories are very much connected to each other and you will understand that as I reveal the story to you. I had blogged some about both incidents already but I took those posts down recently, I now will decide if I want to put them back up or put excerpts in my new blog post(s).

BTW- I responded by saying that she should have gave it to God instead of responding here, that she didn't have a clue and said "I am being me and living my best life. Are you?" and then I unfriended her. I was on facebook when she read that cause she liked my response but then deleted her comment. lol  


Stay Safe......


Also from today (March 20, 2020):

So with my extra time at home I'm going to be writing! Yay! I was born for this, baby! And it's TRUE STORIES because I couldn't have made this shit up! TRUTH IS stranger than fiction! Blog posts yes, also videos here and on Youtube and ig but it will all end up in my poems and songs and eventually be another book! RED (My THIRD book- 2nd book of poetry) is close (so close) to being complete (PERFECT TIME TO FINISH IT UP) I was going to publish that (In 2018) with Amazon like I did "The Seven Story Tree" which btw I have ordered copies and will be selling them (signed by the author: ME) on facebook marketplace very soon!

I shared this comment on March 18, 2020 with a picture with a button that said, "Be safe. I need you here with me": I tried so hard to stop being the annoying mom- To figure out what I was doing wrong- If I were talking to my kids or they were talking to me they'd know what I'd say.....But I guess we found out we don't "need" each other anymore BUT I want all five of you to BE SAFE, STAY ALIVE and BE HAPPY I LOVE YOU

 BTW: WASH YOUR HANDS!

To read more about this Church reunion, that I now think WAS planned, go here


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What Am I? Besides a Glutton for Punishment

 
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

  

Sara Bareilles

 There's a line from the movie IRobot where the rogue robot who had learned to "feel" and Will Smith's character Spooner is trying to arrest because he knows he knows something about the death of Dr Lanning says, "What am I?"

 I also remember a time, years ago when I was talking to my sister about my husband and I's will. I don't know why on earth I am such a SLOW LEARNER and continued to talk to her about things which were none of her business and would no doubt offend her but.......I probably thought saying these things would draw her to God and "Save" her. Please admire my courage to say I was IGNORANT. But also truly committed to my convictions and Christian Fundamental beliefs. I thought I was right. So anyways I said to her that if, God forbid, something happened to Bob and I my kids would go to my brother Jon and his wife Joyce because, although at that time Joyce was not a Christian, Jon was/is and Joyce agreed to raise their two kids (My middle kids ages), Christian. My sister's reply to this was to begin yelling in the phone at me: "Well what the fuck am I?!" This is why this relationship never worked.

I hesitantly told Bob about her response (hesitantly because usually if anyone was mad at me- he was on their side and I was always in the wrong) and (I believe this was because he wasn't present in our phone conversation) he said, "Well she needs to think about that" I was very pleased with my husband's response and felt a feeling that was very very rare: Validation. Wow!

 I am now asking myself this question that the robot in the movie and my sister asked and I think perhaps I should take my time in answering because, at this point, I am unsure and I don't know.....and that is Okay. Noone else can answer this question for me, either. I for years let people tell me who to be but I am not going to do that anymore.

 I used to be a Polyanna, Goody- Goody, June Cleaver.....and I thought everything would eventually come up roses. (NOT the "War of the Roses"!) After all I'm such a good girl God's going to make everything in my life peachy, as long as I do what I feel He wants me to, right? And if I must get a divorce? It's okay 'cause I'm such a "Good girl" God's gona send me a perfect Christian man on a white horse to come fix everything! 

 

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Led Zeppelin

 I recently posted this on facebook;
Not long after I moved in this house (August 2016) I celebrated my 50th birthday by going to the Georgia National Fair alone (Pretending pretty Polyanna was just Peachy!) In November my younger son and I picked me up a TV on Black Friday.

I spent much of that first year working on the house- trying to find a job and lying on my sofa with my dog watching "Grey's Anatomy" and/or crying, one night I heard Jon's unmistakable voice in the background of Grey's and realized he'd been doing this beautiful solo stuff......

The Cure for Pain- Jon Foreman 

 12-4-19 BTW I started watching Grey's Anatomy just a couple years ago because of my sister-in-law AND because I so related to April Kepner's redheaded (Extra conservative Evangelical fundamentalist- she drank though, I didn't before) character. I recently saw the season 14 episode: "Personal Jesus" and was thinking about the concept again of, "Life imitating art"

AND If I had seen this before? It would've probably pissed me off. I'd have been like, there they go painting Christians in a bad light. NOW I SAY, THERE THAT WRITER Shonda Rhimes, GOES BEING REAL AGAIN. Now I've had spoilers (From Youtube) cause I'm not caught up on episodes: Grey's is just too much to binge watch! Especially where I am emotionally right now. And it seems she gets her faith back but I don't think my story's going that way, but we will see........

 

 

 

 

 

Let me paint a picture for you: Imagine you believe something almost your whole life, then to discover it's not true: and you've poured your whole self into it for over 30 years? It's fucking traumatic!

I was a virgin before my ex- faithful to him 30 years . (He DID NOT want me to get a job- up until about the end- this is the only somewhat legitimate complaint he had, so he had to play on it: "She needs to stop this writing business and help pay for this big house I wanted to START building, that we don't even need anymore...." ) When we separated (Stopped having sex) in 2014 I stopped having sex and was CELIBATE (I highly doubt he was!) - in 2017 I get on a dating app and get date-raped.....then  celibate another year, lonely as hell especially because my kids seem mostly on their dad's side- cause I was awful? (No I wasn't that bad) and besides daddy has more bucks- daddy has a "regular job" he MUST be better  Then in August of  2018 Mohamad shows up at my Airbnb: It was like a fricken dream. I'm so NOT SORRY it happened!!!! Yep I am happy all of it happened. It was like my dream man showed up at my house to be my husband for the month! AND before he came there I had been very very depressed almost suicidal- after I go on ***vacation ( and by "vacation" I mean I drove to Ca. alone to meet Switchfoot, visit my family and go on a Missions trip to Mexico with the Newsboys) and come back home to reality and to the fact that I mostly had NOONE. Noone I was in regular contact with- noone that regularly texted or dropped by to check on me - NOONE THAT CARED. On a practical note, at the end of July I had asked my doctor to change my blood pressure medicine (I shouldn't have because it was only because of the inconvenience of having to cut the pill in half). Well the new medicine (because of a drug interaction perhaps) caused me to have chest pains! I knew I could text or call my daughter but we never spoke  and hardly texted and she's an RN and I was pretty sure she'd just say, "Go to the ER Mom" The next day I went to my general practitioner and they changed my medicine but also as a precaution sent me to the cardiologist. But just having something scary like that happen to you is bad enough, but ITS THAT MUCH WORSE when you feel you don't even have "a person"  (Grey's Anatomy) to call or text to even take you to the ER!  Add to that it's your fricken child who you were there for for 30 years! I got her (my daughter) to meet me at my cardiologist appointment which was next to the hospital where she worked. It was nice of her but it felt forced and I felt kinda like I guilted her into it. It wasn't really necessary but I wasn't really sure also- I still was on my husband's insurance but I still owe 26$ for that doctor's visit too! 

*** More explanation of vacation!

I was glad to be able to go (I had two great long term guests here at that time: Gladys who is back now for a temporary stay and The good Sam and my friend Cherity was overseeing my Airbnb) but the drive was stressful I was low on $$ I don't recommend driving across country alone and I was gone too long 3 weeks (I missed my baby boo) The Switchfoot Getaway was awesome (Not sure if I'll do that again or not) And it was Weird-Bitter-Sweet to go see my dad on the 4th of July. Also it was the last time I saw my brother Chris. (He passed away in December) This year I've been unable to go anywhere but a quick trip to Disney with Glad which was super great as I thought I was not going to go anywhere this year. I was happy to be able to go on two Mexico trips and two Cruises (2017-2018) my ex wouldn't take or let me go anywhere -those trips were during our separation - now that I'm actually divorced and got those credit card balances in our divorce settlement (which was fair) I have to be more frugal and pay off the rest and my lawyer!

                                              My family circa 1970

I recently came to the conclusion that I did the same thing -I finally realized my own mother did: I had all these kids to feel someone was here who connected to me more deeply than my own husband (Who was unable to do so) did. If we divorced I thought, at least I'll still have my kids......perhaps? I never ever thought we'd all become this Disconnected. 

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know

Somebody to have

Somebody to hold

It's easy to say

But it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

 Lewis Capaldi

  

A year ago (October 2018) I was still “with” Mo- he claimed to be back in Saudi but was planning to return to the states soon to marry me (I didn’t think that before but I do now) he said maybe October but definitely January (his visa was expiring in June)

 Also in October 2018, I had a series of Airbnb guests through here who I told about my love and a few of them warned me about the possibility that he just wanted his green card. One girl said, I don’t want you to get your heart broken. I replied. Not possible It’s already in pieces: broken by my children. No man can break my heart like that. And that was the reason it all happened anyways: I had absolutely nothing to lose! If I were in regular contact with my kids, involved in church with church friends, if I were in college to be a Pastor would I get involved with a Muslim man 25 years younger than me? Hell no! I had already been celibate 4 years was date raped the year before. I was lonely and vulnerable but not divorced yet! (it was finalized 2 weeks after he left!) Ha! Jokes on you Mo! I also wasn’t going to give up easily the alimony I worked -yes ma’am worked so hard to get! Mo gave up on me (mid October) and I could sense that so decided to get off the merry go round and break up with him in November of 2018. Yeah it hurt some when he said, “It’s weird that you think it (marriage) was a possibility” Wow he never had spoke to me in that manner before, ever! And that’s when I knew he was a fake! But my heart was already broken so........whatever

But perhaps that adage goes here also: Hurt people hurt people. I was a good mom but I know too, that I wasn't perfect and the way I was so religiously strict and let their father be so unrelenting and invalidating and sometimes even physically abusive to them was wrong. I am sorry, hopefully my kids and I will eventually work these things out and start spending time together more often. 
 

 A Recent facebook post:

So I came to a conclusion last December: I felt like most of my children were spending time with me because of some obligation: Oh it's Christmas I have to spend time with mom:CHECK Oh it's her birthday; Went to the fair with mom: CHECK. I no longer enjoyed it, nor did they NOR did I feel loved or respected or even liked! I felt I was only being simply TOLERATED and I couldn't tolerate that any longer! It has been a most difficult year but I DO feel it was necessary and that I have grown in many ways.

 I recently listened in one day to the book,

You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity

by Jamie Lee Finch and to say I enjoyed it- is incorrect- it resonated with me and convicted me because I raised my kids that way! I recently e-mailed it to my children- with no words because I had none- I thought I could just say, "I'm sorry" but for now perhaps they can give Jamie's book a listen when they have time. I think they are all in different places in their individual journeys and I am done pushing anything on anyone- weather it be their relationship with religion or no religion or even me!

 I'm also getting free weekly therapy at the health department.

I'm reading the book Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell PhD
 I'm finding this very helpful!

 Also continuing to learn alot from Brenda's channel: God Is Grey

Soon I'll be writing about the Spiritual abuse I've been through and all the reasons why I finally decided to be identified as an #ExEvangelical, so stay tuned!

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine  

Sara Bareilles

                                           Chicken Pot Pie!

 If I move on who does this? Nat
Maybe it doesn't need to be done. Cap "Avenger's Endgame"

 The poem below was inspired by the character, Black Widow in Marvel's Cinematic Universe. I draw a parallel to my own life; tears ran down my face when she spoke those words, 
"I used to have nothing, Then I got this job- this family....." Then she died.....It was PROFOUND and when I wrote about the date rape and Mo- the green card guy, I used the words to TSwifts, "Look What You Made Me Do" in which she says,
"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now."

"Why?"

"Oh, 'cause she's dead!"
She  (TSwift) meant she died, in a figurative way and so did I.

Natasha
In the Red room
They sterilize you
In the Red room you lost your virginity
Or did you lie to me?
I used to have nothing
Then I got this job- this family
even Airbnb
And I was better because of it
Now I have to give up that which I love most
Just to find myself?
What am I?
Who am I?
And even when they're all gone
I'm still here trying to be better....or worse?
Whatever it takes



 That's me!? Wow! DragonCon 2017

Deconstruct don't Self destruct!
I can't write
I can't cook
Nothing tastes right
I can't even make banana pudding from a box?
Should I swipe right?
What do you want?
What are you looking for?
What salary do you expect?
Are you gona send them a text?
I want out of this town!
But where should I go?
To the beach or the mountains,
To the East or the West?
If I move away will I see them less?
That doesn't seem possible
What do I want?
Trying to figure that out


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