Sunday, July 28, 2019

Disconnected

 

 

 "We are hard wired for connection" Brené Brown

 

Save me, O God,
For the waters have threatened my life [they have come up to my neck]...Those who hate me without cause are more than the hairs of my head;
Those who would destroy me are powerful, being my enemies wrongfully;
I am forced to restore what I did not steal. Psalm 69:1,4

 My brother Christopher (July 28, 1955-December 20, 2018) and I in the 80s in San Fransico with my family.

In December my oldest living brother (I am the youngest of seven, five boys, two girls, three of my brothers had already passed) was in the hospital dying and I received a phone call which was from the city in which my sister lives. I answered it, knowing exactly who it probably was, she had got a new number. I had previously blocked her because she yelled at me about how I was raising my children and said about my oldest son that he would end up just like our brother Mark, who died of a probable suicide (we don't know for sure) in 2006. I hung up on her then (2012?) and never felt bad about not having a relationship with her again as I had in the past. (Oh you're a Christian you have to forgive 70x7 times!) You CAN forgive and let go in love and NOT have that person in your life.  

First I thought this conversation might go well because she said she was in a 12 step program and had wanted to call me to "make amends" I don't know what I said to set her off, but from things she said I surmised that she had read my blog post, Look What You Made Me Do. Wow, like who even reads my blog? More people than I thought, I guess. So she said she's my big sister and she could've told me not to use a dating app. (And what about doing Airbnb? It was the only job I got!) Then the conversation started to go south fast:

"Bob is a good guy. You were trying to get him back" (More evidence that she was reading my blog)

I told her for a short amount of time -yeah in the end of 2015 early 2016 But he said he would only consider trying to work things out IF I got a job (stop this writing nonsense) I replied that I was trying. I had applied so many places (gyms, restaurants, Target, schools) and at this point was trying/hoping to get a bank teller position. Then in March 2016, I was astonished to  (this was by accident I was not searching his car) find condoms in his car because he hates condoms and has had a vasectomy! At least (with Adele) I can say that I tried. I was honestly relieved that he didn't call my bluff. This is when I went to my former shady lawyer's

Danielle D. D'Eor-Hynes

office and spoke to her husband/secretary (because I still had not met the Queen Bee) and changed our "separate maintenance" agreement to "divorce".   

This is where your ship went down
Right there, stern and bow
You took on waves, took on water
You took the blame, even harder

Nichole Nordeman

 

 

 

I don't actually remember in what order my sister's accusations came (Or why they came at all for that matter) but another one she said was:

"You were a bad mom, that's why your kids don't talk to you"

Me, "they were here for ham last week end"

Rebecca bitch, "No no they don't talk to you"

Wow isn't this a good example of GAS LIGHTING? She was trying to change my reality! When you're my blood relative and never even deign to come visit your sister and not to mention when her son is having serious issues and then she's going through a divorce and all alone with no family in the area?

It was another slow realization for me: I've known for awhile my father-in-law is a Narcissist but I didn't really know too much about it.

In watching the many Youtube videos available now I learned about "Covert Narcissists" and realized that is what my ex and my father are. Wow.

Of course I'm not a doctor or Psychologist but I'm pretty sure my sister falls into this narcissist category somewhere. (On the spectrum)

My sister and I's conversation got me to thinking: And after she called me a hoe ("So you just f*** them?") we got disconnected (I hung up on her and blocked her)

But wait, Was I a "bad mother"? Noone's perfect- agreed -but I was a good mom. Still something's not right in my relationship with my kids! I always feel horrible after spending time with them, after begging and pleading with them to do something with me, then I don't even feel like they want to be with me.  

So that same December after my middle daughter and her husband visited, some more things happened which caused me to decide I was not talking to them! Mommy's in time out: Just leave me alone.

O God, You know my folly; My wrongs are not hidden from You. Psalm 69:5


I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; My eyes fail while I wait [with confident expectation] for my God. Psalm 69: 3




                                     Tree at Animal Kingdom
I was so happy to go to Disney with my friend Gladys (who was my Airbnb guest last Summer) last month and we both needed a break! I was becoming increasingly disillusioned with Airbnb: for several different reasons. Sure I've met so many wonderful people (Good guests) like Gladys but I also had had many different toxic people and bad guests and got into a few unhealthy relationships because of it. Just read my recent blog posts! I even had a  "Christian" married man who I stupidly told about Mohamad, who kept contacting me thinking he might get the same treatment; finally when he continued to contact me (the last time he even tried persuading me with Newsboys tickets) so I just blocked him, I had no obligation to him as he was no longer my guest. I feel I'm in a transition right now, learning to not be Codependant, learning self love, learning WHO I am! Learning BALANCE. Learning to recognize safe people. But it's lonely and this month I was getting depressed and then I had another toxic guest come to my house and she checked out early- she had booked for a month but was leaving after two weeks, where she worked was an hour away, I was lead to believe that was the reason she also said it was cheaper, I refunded her and she left me a 3 star bad review saying I shared guests business with her and I was unprofessional! So for the next two days I was on the phone with Airbnb: 





When I call Airbnb I hear a sweet woman's voice saying,
"Hello Superhost!"
This made me want to say: "F***  you  Airbnb. Have a nice day!" (Don't worry I didn't say that)

So this situation pushed me further down what Lisa A Romano calls "The rabbit hole" (A reference to Alice in Wonderland)

I gave this bitch Samatha five stars and refunded her for her two weeks!!! So I thankfully had three different guests last week but I just now got paid 17$ Thanks alot Sam! I wanted my money back and I couldn't get that, the only thing I could do is respond to her negative review. I am a writer though- so I'm good at this plus her review was bullshit mostly "she's an introvet...Red talks too much...I went to my room to call a friend..." blah blah blah They also took down my positive review of her and she has no reviews! If I do anymore guests I won't do any- at all who have no reviews or bad reviews. I wonder if Sam might want to try to book another nice Airbnb sometime? Good luck with that!

 

 

Mommy's in time out, just leave me alone. I can't stand being alone. So I'll text my son(s) they seem to hate me less than my daughter's do. I made a plan to get lunch with my older son....then canceled.

I got my son to call me who moved to Colorado, yeah he's my "middle man" But I can't put him in the middle, he says "it's unhealthy" and he's right about that. Am I too proud to contact my daughters to "make amends"? I said to myself January 1st "I need a break" (I was not going to contact any of them first) but just like when I go on an eating plan aka "diet" I got lonely and depressed and "fell off the wagon" I said, "I'll pray for them and they can contact me when they're ready" I saw them in May when my youngest graduated from high school and I gave her a card with money in it. I got to sit with them even with my ex, this time which I didn't get to do at my son's college graduation. They even took pictures with me in them! Wow! My phone was dead, however, and I don't know how those pictures came out as I never saw them.  

I believe in life long learning. I love books, but of course the internet is also awesome. I'm hoping to start doing regular YouTube videos on my main YouTube channel (And delete my extra ones when I figure out how!) Right now I'm learning more about me. I listen to people like Joyce Meyer, Christine Cain and Lisa Bevere still but I also listen to Lisa A. Romano, Ross Rosenberg, Dr Les Carter, Dr Ramani, Brené Brown, various Ted Talks ETC. I just recently found Brittani Louise Taylor's fun channel which I love. And a channel that more accurately describes where my faith and beliefs are right now is Brenda's channel which is called, "God Is Grey" Here is a recent video:

Self Harm & Exorcism | God is Grey

It was cool to me how I found this channel. Lauren Daigle's video; Rescue came out on July 20th when I was pretty much at rock bottom and my thoughts were scaring me. 


I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper you have nothing left

Lauren Diagle, "Rescue"






So on the side bar of YouTube Brenda's channel came up because she has a video about Lauren.


 

I love Brené Brown because I feel she's a very balanced teacher. The Theodore Roosevelt quote she utilizes is very effective. I was listening to a teacher/life coach on Youtube who I really like! by the way and she was saying what was great about her daughter, "she really doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks about her....." and I thought "Oh really? What about what you think about her?" That's what is balanced about Brené, she acknowledges that some people's opinions DO count! She acknowledges that we were made for connecting with other human beings! That's why, I suppose, she brings in Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote:

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

So my sister never even dared to have one child! Her opinion means zero, zip, nada to me!

Dr-Seuss said it like this,
Be who you are and say how you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.








So I suppose I'm waiting for my daughters to be OK with who their mom is and right now who mom is is kinda a fluid concept! I WAS a Baptist I WAS a Crazy Conservative Evangelical. I WAS a homeschooler. I WAS a Republican  I was a wife and mother. And I was an Airbnb host. I don't even know what I am right now. I'm a writer and I still love Jesus (That's good cause His name is tattooed on my hand- Isaiah 49:16) And  I'm in my cocoon.  
Today I listened to a Ted Talk from two years ago that I really REALLY resonated with!

I was exploring the thought of being in "my cocoon" and Josh mentions the very same analogy!
I READ that book! I had my oldest READ that book! (I Kissed Dating Goodbye) Oops!
This one that appeared on the side bar after was good too and I could (on a smaller scale) relate to it also:


 I am not saying I did everything right. I obviously was wrong about some things too. What I feel the worst about is staying so long in emotional abuse and allowing him to do that to our children. It's called "enabling" It was at times physical with the kids too. But I did not recognize it as such and always made excuses for him and our church (My former Church-he still goes there sometimes) doesn't support divorce for any reason. It's always forgive, forgive, work it out, God hates divorce. And so years of counseling and therapy and another wounded family. There are things I am sorry about and hopefully one day I can sit down with each of my children and have a heart to heart and yes: apologize! 

Something my ex taught us all was learned helplessness. Whatever we did, it was NEVER good enough. It's extremely frustrating and causes depression and you wanting to just give up. My oldest son tried and tried to pick a major to please him and himself to no avail. I told my younger son flat out that my goal and his needs to be to be INDEPENDENT of dad. And we all are making progress hopefully to that end.


I am trying out online therapy here:




 The title of this post was inspired by OneRepublic's song:

Right now, right now, I'm switching to a new lane
Foot to the floor, man searching for the real thing
Need somebody else, sometimes ain't no shame
Head to the clouds sayin'
Can I get, can I get a connection?

(OneRepublic)


God are You there?
Then I went to the next video and found a beautiful note under it: 

The note is from a guy in the Ukraine:
Read this if you have ever felt alone, depressed, suicidal, lost, scared, worthless, abandoned, or anything of that nature, this is for you (Check it out)

And music is healing to me! Here's another:


Hush, hush
You don't have to have the answers
Hush, hush
I will gather all the branches
I will light a fire for you
Rest your head 'til you've had rest enough
Hush, now hush
Hush, hush

I'm in my cocoon...........He says,  I'll put you back together


Reconstruct
I'm in my cocoon-
Holding onto myself like Lisa says-
I'm sorry we got disconnected-
The old Susan can't come to the phone right now-
I'm transforming in the dark-
By myself: ALONE-
But not-
Red's is closed-
I need to chill for a minute-
Or a year or two-
But don't forget-
I love you!

 Ghost Me Ghost You


Where once was a girl, woman, wife, mom
Is now just a ghost...
Boo! Did I scare you?
It's my nice way of saying F- you
I'm taking back my personal power
Looking for a reason to try
A purpose to live or to die
You were born for the  dance and the fight
But don't forget to dance
I hope you do!
Cause I love you
Won't you come home?
I'm still here haunting this house...
Waiting....


Bitter Bitches (I wrote this with my ex lawyer in mind but it goes for others also)
If I have to be a bitch like you to get ahead?
It's not even worth it!
But I don't!
And I won't!
Life's a great balancing act...
I'll be a nice badass...
I won't take your sass
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I don't want your cash
Or your manipulation
Somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now
Cause you won't lead me down that road!




Lost and Found
Lost Lost Lost
I've lost my marbles
Where are they?
Home
Where do I belong?
I've searched for so long
Aslan's Country
I have family there
I've come this far
And I can't go back only forward...
This is Home
We're miracles and we're not alone
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
We're gona call it: Home


Mi Casa es su Casa


(This poem was on my Airbnb profile for probably a year)

·         It’s cozy and comfy
There’s good things to eat,
Meeting new people is always a treat,
So pull up a chair and have s seat,
Cuddle up with my pooch,
Watch a movie,
Read a book,
Solve a puzzle,
·         Play a game,
We’ll talk way past midnight,
Learning to cope,
Leaning on God and not being a dope,
Yes He’s here,
So have no fear,
Get a new mindset,
Watch the birds and the squirrels,
See the sunset,
Call it Home


All these poems are from: RED; Redeemed- Equipped- Delivered


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Tuesday, March 12, 2019

My Conundrum, The Child-bearing Wife and No Regrets!



 Mohamad by the door to his room at my house.


To see this in a different format see my other blog: Redheaded Writing Hood


 Might want to read Look What You Made Me Do and 
Coffee, Contact Paper and Chick-Fil-A leaves Me Cynical and Celibate!
to get this post. 


Sunday, September 9, 2018 (4:30 pm in Georgia)


RED: Um I am actually I guess cause you’ve been gone a week and I’m afraid to say this but at the same time know how understanding you are....I went to church....had time to think....have an annoying Christian (like I used to be) in my house I’m having a Little attack of conscience but I still love you and will never again beat myself up forever like I always did most of my adult life and when I didn’t I mean I was pretty good mostly

After all I’ve been through I’ll have to forgive myself but Idk how to resist you and I still want you to be back here like tomorrow

Now you can say see I told you!

But meeting someone like you whose waiting for marriage (or at least attempting to) like me was a total turn on -(as I said ) aside from the fact that your sweet and gorgeous and respectful and wonderful

Your crazy evil redhead gn my love



When you said how Pop got the virgin redhead (another sweet thing you said) I thought and he ruined her -(cause she wanted to wait til marriage!) I had the thought I had the tall dark handsome young man and ruined him (I pushed the thought away ofc) but what does that make me? Just a selfish asshole like him! I am sorry now and deserve to Be regretted



September 10, 2018 (Early morning in Georgia 7 hours later in Saudi)

RED: I’m awake -please don’t think it’s the same as with the lieutenant because it’s not I didn’t love him or even intend to have sex with him. You’re smart and have your whole life planned out -you wanted to wait for your wife and I arrive to mess up your whole plan. I thought I can’t have him forever so I’ll take him for now -a greedy gesture -just wondering how it’d be if I listened to you and helped you and we enjoyed “peace” like we were at the start?

Hate me now?


September 10, 2018 (about 6pm in Georgia so 1:00 am in Saudi -where I thought he was- where he said he was but I no longer think he even left the States but idk)
Mohamad:
Sorry for the late reply... Yes.. I knew that both of us will regret. And even when you said you wont. I told you you will for sure..

I do regret it. And i told you since i was still in USA. But I'm to blame too..

And even if you tell me now you starting to regret.. It wont change how i treat you

Im more mature than that.. Come on! Give me some credit

RED: Ofc you are way more mature than that and than many men I’ve met twice as old - one of the many things I love about you


Still call you my conundrum: you need a young hot childbearing wife! Yet still if You’d have me I’d go anywhere with you I love you and don’t regret that and won’t ever regret that- I don’t ever regret loving anyone even Pop (My ex)


MO: Hahahaha... Again with the child bearing wife... This is becoming your signature sentence now from how many times i heard it

Oh wait.. You added "Hot" now

Interesting

MO: Yet you told him once that you never really liked him
Meanie


RED: He’s so stupid of course I loved him to put up with all his crap for so many years! Had five babies with him! But it was more of the mushie teenage crush type way (I didn't have that with him) I decided to love him I believe love is a decision too I wanted a way away from my parents stupid but hey I have five pretty awesome kids and don’t regret those years raising them.

MO : It's lovely to hear/read you talking about your kids

 #‎CallmeRED
We're always in it
I see it
I face it
I put it on
scarlet or vermilion or bluish red crimson
Old ladies with hats are winsome
Valentines, Christmas, cars,
Leaves of Fall

Team colors

It symbolizes blood and courage 
“Come now, and let us reason together,” Says the Lord,  
“Though your sins are like scarlet, 
They shall be as white as snow;  
Though they are red like crimson, 
They shall be as wool"
Esau was red and so was his stew 
God didn't chose him but He chose you!  
The Sea was Red the Israelites went through 
I said I didn't love you  
But I lied I thought you knew  
I couldn't have put up with all that crap we went through  
Without HIS LOVE which ran red  
Your cold hearted rejection cut like a knife  
My blood ran red 
 So I wanted to hurt you too  
Why don't we remember the good times?  
You always focus on the bad  
Never speak life to me
So sad
Left me starving for attention and affection
 

Does anyone think I'm good or fair?  
I won't live in regret We were all "meant to be"

Five beautiful children  
Don't you see?  
The thought of losing you could leave me so brutally blue  
But no just as Taylor said Loving you was Riotously RED!
 

From my upcoming book, RED: Redeemed- Equipped-Delivered
 

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