Fixing Holes

I'm taking the time for a number of things
That weren't important yesterday....The Beatles




So what an awesome day I had! I had an interview this morning. I think it went well, we will see.


So I had a "Message from God" tonight that said:

Today we believe God wants us to know that encouragement is important.

Everybody needs to be encouraged, including you. Keep doing the best you can, you've got what it takes and you are going to make it. Remember to encourage others to pursue their own dreams. Build each other up, encouragement is important.

It IS! And today was encouraging. Except for that lady at the pool but on an up note I've cleared out so many negative people from my life! And that is so awesome! Unbelievable that this very lady I see at the pool used to be my best friend! That's how messed up I used to be! So used to negative people that I kept befriending them! You know that old saying, "With friends like that, who needs enemies"? Yeah, been there done that and I'm done with all that!!!! Thank you Jesus! Free at last!!!!

See the people standing there
Who disagree and never win
And wonder why they don't get in my door

Things are different for me lately and I'm getting used to it all. And IT IS GOOD!

After my interview I had an appointment with my therapist. I really like her. I won't have to go see her for always but while going through this rough patch I do. She only has to listen to me for 45 mins per session and she confirms many things for me. She does NOT encourage me to be a bitch as she's been accused of. In fact she's said many times if we (Bob and I) could stay together and work things out that is what her goal as a "Marriage and Family Therapist" IS. Yet he would nod his head at her and not do a thing she said. He continued to let our son disrespect me, belittle me, accuse me and let him run the house. I finally decided really after only a month of that that I needed to move out. It was all I could do. The last and only consequence I had left. I couldn't do anything and I was miserable! Like a prisoner in my own house I no longer even controlled where my furniture went or my trash can! I was told (repeatedly) I was a terrible house keeper and mother! 

So Sad, So Sad,
Sometimes She Feels So Sad.

I couldn't stop giving him money as his dad would give it to him. I couldn't kick him out or call the cops, so I just had to move out. My therapist was telling me to stay but when it became more and more violent (I was NOT beat up but he kept breaking things to intimidate me) she said I should leave, which confirmed what I had already decided.

And it really doesn't matter if
I'm wrong I'm right
Where I belong.....

  

After my therapist I went to Biolife to give blood plasma. This is easy, it saves lives and they pay me! So it's all around a good thing. This thing I do was also criticized! Like giving blood makes me like a prostitute?! I NEEDED to get away from this craziness!!!! 

After Biolife I had a late lunch (Or was it an early dinner?) with a real Christian friend I hadn't seen in too long! Shana, she's a writer like me and one of the two actual followers of this blog!!!! HINT HINT FOLLOW ME PLEASE!!!! Why had I not seen Shana in so long? Part of the reason was my Codependant self was still so busy trying to save the world and "fix" all these dysfunctional people

that I didn't even have time for a healthy REAL friendship. I had too many friends I let USE me all the time. They hardly ever gave back to me. No wonders I always felt empty. My own husband left me lonely and starving for real affection and connection.

                                        Shana gave me a house warming gift! I love it!

While I have more time to myself I'm learning so much! The internet esp YouTube is so educational! I'm learning how to fix the holes in my popcorn ceiling. And also learning more about my Codependent self. Ross Rosenberg has renamed Codependency, Self  Love Deficit Disorder. That so resonates with me and why I'm learning to focus on me, not to be selfish but to heal. I totally lost myself taking care of everyone else! Sometimes I didn't even know what I wanted!

I also love love love this lady: Lisa A Romano

Oh and also want to plug this awesome young lady; Angie Atkinson

I used to be so concerned about what people thought of me I was scared to say anything! Now I write stuff like Me Too!  and I don't care that people may misunderstand and think I'm stuck up or narcissistic (which I also have been accused of! OK Whatever dude!). These things are why I so love my Megan Trainor album, THANK-YOU because it has songs on it about loving yourself like I Love Me


They gon' say all kinds of things
They'll make jokes about my name
They gon' try to clip my wings, but I'm gon fly, I'm gon' fly
They'll try to play me like a game
I'll bet they're too scared of the fame
But I can see clear when looking at the mirror, saying God made me just right


I also love this one by Demi Lovato: What's wrong with being confident?

So you say I'm complicated
That I must be outta my mind
But you've had me underrated
Rated, rated

And then after getting caught up with Shana, I went home and spent some time with my puppy, Bandie and then I went to the Cantrell Center to swim a mile. Cause I'm a mermaid!

So maybe your wondering what the negative talk was about? (at the pool) Totally unhelpful and not encouraging this lady had to bring up (because she's a very prejudiced  person) that if I got the other  job that I was after (not the one I interviewed for today) I would have to cover my tattoos Well, know what? Perhaps I don't even want that job after all? I'm not even sure I do now, but not that this person is going to make me NOT pursue this job anymore because I am! I will keep you posted!

*New note: OK so while I do not like the fact that I may have to cover my tattoos, it makes me all the more sure, that God will not have me stay in these jobs long term, unless that is they free me to be ME!

How could I forget?! I said my "Ginger Me" poem  for our (awesome redheaded) waitress and she bought a copy of my book! Yay me! You too may get a copy of my book on Amazon: The Seven Story Tree
 Or by e-mailing me at:  redheadedwritinghood@gmail.com

And the Story goes on.....

It comes slowly with every step I take toward obedience to Him

Peace- Joy- Contentment- acceptance of myself

I am NOT unworthy

I am NOT worthless

I am NOT undeserving

I am NOT fat

I have a job with God

I take care of what He blesses me with....

Luck-Chance- Fate?

I believe
It's all in His hands
Mordica just happened to be
In the right place to set his people free
Esther won the heart of the king
Because God made her heart like His
God gives favor or popularity
And not more than it should be
Perhaps you took the glory for yourself?
And that's why He put you on the shelf

The Perfect  Day....

God has me on this journey to Freedom
I'm changing from glory to glory

Til that perfect day

It's like the Underground Railroad

The farther North I get the freer I become...

More Peace, more Joy, more Love

More Power, More of You (Jesus)  in my life!

Less dysfunction and destruction

I am under construction

I will worship You with all my might

The people in darkness have seen a great light

It shines brighter and brighter til the Perfect Day

My tombstone like Ruth's can say,

Construction over- Thank you for your patience!

Those who are first shall be last

Those who humble themselves will be exalted

He who lays his life down- will find it

The lost will be found

The poor will be rich

The cursed shall be blest

The tired can rest

The hungry outcast will come in

And sit at His table

Eat and be satisfied

And his enemies shall see it

Always and Forever His child I shall be!

Make Me Thy Fuel Flame of God by Amy Carmichael

 Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God

by Amy Carmichael 

From prayer that asks that I may be

Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,

From fearing when I should aspire,

From faltering when I should climb higher,

From silken self, O Captain, Free

Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,

From easy choices, weakenings,

(Not thus are spirits fortified,

Not this way went the Crucified,)

From all that dims Thy Calvary,

O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,

The faith that nothing can dismay

The hope no disappointments tire

The passion that will burn like fire,

Let me not sink to be a clod:

Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.


I'm so excited! Click here to buy my first book! "The Seven Story Tree; A book of Poetry"

It's Just Another day...

Who can find a virtuous wife?
For her worth is far above rubies....
She watches over the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness. Proverbs 31: 10, 27

Yesterday

6:20 am wake Lyd up

6:30 am wake Lyd up

6:35 am wake Lyd up- this time don't leave til you see her feet on the floor!

We go to leave and Suzy Q's battery is dead. We're already late anyways. Thankfully Claire Bear hasn't left yet so I take the accord to take Lyd to school. Ian's also here with his little beat up used to be Teddy's- civic.

When I'm finishing my quiet time, the lady from the bank calls- about the mortgage payment on the rental- which I got tenants for again- all by myself- again- Yay! The line of credit I was letting pay the mortgage wasn't enough to cover the payment this time. I had forgot there was a small balance on that line of credit already. I needed to go to the banks and rearrange the money again. My mom used to call this "Borrowing from Peter to pay back Paul" The burden of managing all the money by myself has taken it's toll. It's alot when you have two mortgages, insurances, taxes, the kids car insurances, multiple credit card payments, electric and water at home AND at the rental ETC.. I finally set up many of these with automatic payments but need to make sure the moneys in the bank when they are going to come out. He also refuses to do anything with the rental house lately- you'd think he could get alot done when he was living there for over a month but he didn't. It's like he doesn't want the money stress to leave because he wants me to be constantly pressured to get a job. Hello! THIS IS A FULL TIME JOB!

The sequoia actually started after I came back from school. But then it didn't so I put it on the charger.

Claire Bear came home and was about to make herself a quesadilla when I said, "Do you want me to go get you some food?" Yes, I got her ice-cream at DQ. (Of course I had to take her accord to do this) She's graduating from highschool and going to basic training (For the US Army) in the next few weeks so excuse me if I spoil my baby! I also got Ian ice-cream and me a burger. After I ate I went to the banks. Then I walked at the park at an unusual time for me and anyone for that matter! No one was there and it was HOT. I usually go in the morning or evening when the whole town of Byron's there!

Meanwhile, I had sorted out the laundry and started it. Strangely enough the only person's laundry I should be doing is probably the only one who does her own laundry- Lydia whose 14. I am still doing Bob's and my 18 yr old's (Claire Bear) and Ian's since he's home.

I got home from the park and I was going to take a shower and make dinner. Bob had bought a family pack of boneless/skinless chicken breast- 5 lbs of chicken! I decided to cook it all and make quesadillas with half and chicken salad with half.

Before I could go in the shower, however, the phone rang. It was Sarah saying her battery was dead. Sarah works nights at the hospital- she's a nurse- this time of the afternoon, she's getting up to run errands and whatnot. So I took Suzy Q and her weak battery over to Sarah's to jump start her and it worked!

Finally back home for my shower but the soap is almost gone, so I go in the kids bathroom....OMG! What a mess! I remember a few weeks ago, cleaning my shower with the toilet bowl cleaner which gets it beautifully sparkling and saying to them that they needed to do theirs....Obviously they didn't and the toilet was gross too. I cleaned the toilet and decided to put the stuff on their shower, scrub a little (All you need do with that powerful stuff!) and let them rinse it. I mixed lysol toilet bowl cleaner with some clorox toilet bowl cleaner and I could barely scrub and then I had to run out side it smelled overpowering! I thought I might pass out, but thankfully didn't.

Then took my shower and started the quesadillas. I called Claire Bear and she made the salsa. It was really yummy. I had only six tortillas so when Bob came home, he went out and got more.

In between everything I'm putting the laundry in the dryer, taking it out and putting another load in.

Before  I was done with dinner, I was exhausted! I didn't feel like making the chicken salad. They were saying they didn't like it that much. I still need to clean up the kitchen and fold the laundry. Bob and I watched the season finale of Bates Motel while I folded the laundry. To my credit one week I did ONLY fold my laundry and put Claire's and Bob's in baskets and put them outside their bedroom doors. But I didn't really mind folding while I watched this show- for the last time- it's the Season Finale and I'm not gona start watching it when it starts again. I said a couple times I was gona stop watching Bates and The Returned but the characters had drawn me in and the DVR recorded it and I needed something to watch while I folded....while I watched that I got a text about picking up the fried chicken for the soccer banquet on Monday. Check. There was chicken in a pan in the fridge Bob had made on Sunday I put into separate containers and I cut up the rest of the chicken breast put some in the fridge to put in salad or quesadillas etc and some in the freezer for later. I cleaned up the kitchen a little and left the dishes to do this morning.


By the end of this day. I was tired but also thankful for all I accomplished. I also realized I would enjoy this for now cause in a few short months everything would be different cause I'd either have only one other person to care for or nobody else to care for  and I'd be completely independent!

I'm so excited! Click here to buy my first book: The Seven Story Tree: A Book of Poetry

My Aim and Hope

Cook, Clean, Study, Sing
Work-out, Write, Remember, Repeat
Love, let go, Forgive, Forget
Have no regret,
Jesus, Joy, Strength, Stability
Never wasting your ability
Pray, Praise, Play all Day
King and Crown,
One day we'll meet
And I'll lay it all at his feet

Unlimited

Throw the match
Set the past ablaze
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
My tears have turned my heart to rust
Sometimes I don't want to go
But I must
Everything's on fire
Like the woods
the Summer he came home
There's a burn ban til October
No matter- don't mind- no fine
Crash crash
It's smashed- totally trashed
That old dream has died
He said he loved me, but he lied
The white picket fence has gone up in flame
And I'm the only one to blame
I am suffocating
Desperate for air
The wolf chews off her leg to get free of the trap
They're just waiting for her to snap
Her wings were clipped and burned
But now her fate has turned
Who died? I did
Cause they hurt me so bad
It's like they murdered my past
And threw dirt on my casket
How curious to be free
There are no strings on me
My future is unlimited
To the sky
I will fly
So high
Looking down on the ruins
I find Him there
This time I won't come crashing down
to the ground
I will glide with the winds currents
Blowing here and there
Flowing in the Spirit
You hear the sound of it
But cannot predict where it will leave it's effects next