"We are hard wired for connection" Brené Brown
Save me, O God,
For the waters have threatened my life [they have come up to my neck]...Those who hate me without cause are more than the hairs of my head;
Those who would destroy me are powerful, being my enemies wrongfully;
I am forced to restore what I did not steal. Psalm 69:1,4
My brother Christopher (July 28, 1955-December 20, 2018) and I in the 80s in San Fransico with my family.
In December my oldest living brother (I am the youngest of seven, five boys, two girls, three of my brothers had already passed) was in the hospital dying and I received a phone call which was from the city in which my sister lives. I answered it, knowing exactly who it probably was, she had got a new number. I had previously blocked her because she yelled at me about how I was raising my children and said about my oldest son that he would end up just like our brother Mark, who died of a probable suicide (we don't know for sure) in 2006. I hung up on her then (2012?) and never felt bad about not having a relationship with her again as I had in the past. (Oh you're a Christian you have to forgive 70x7 times!) You CAN forgive and let go in love and NOT have that person in your life.
First I thought this conversation might go well because she said she was in a 12 step program and had wanted to call me to "make amends" I don't know what I said to set her off, but from things she said I surmised that she had read my blog post, Look What You Made Me Do. Wow, like who even reads my blog? More people than I thought, I guess. So she said she's my big sister and she could've told me not to use a dating app. (And what about doing Airbnb? It was the only job I got!) Then the conversation started to go south fast:
"Bob is a good guy. You were trying to get him back" (More evidence that she was reading my blog)
I told her for a short amount of time -yeah in the end of 2015 early 2016 But he said he would only consider trying to work things out IF I got a job (stop this writing nonsense) I replied that I was trying. I had applied so many places (gyms, restaurants, Target, schools) and at this point was trying/hoping to get a bank teller position. Then in March 2016, I was astonished to (this was by accident I was not searching his car) find condoms in his car because he hates condoms and has had a vasectomy! At least (with Adele) I can say that I tried. I was honestly relieved that he didn't call my bluff. This is when I went to my former shady lawyer's
office and spoke to her husband/secretary (because I still had not met the Queen Bee) and changed our "separate maintenance" agreement to "divorce".
This is where your ship went down
Right there, stern and bow
You took on waves, took on water
You took the blame, even harder
I don't actually remember in what order my sister's accusations came (Or why they came at all for that matter) but another one she said was:
"You were a bad mom, that's why your kids don't talk to you"
Me, "they were here for ham last week end"
Rebecca bitch, "No no they don't talk to you"
Wow isn't this a good example of GAS LIGHTING? She was trying to change my reality! When you're my blood relative and never even deign to come visit your sister and not to mention when her son is having serious issues and then she's going through a divorce and all alone with no family in the area?
It was another slow realization for me: I've known for awhile my father-in-law is a Narcissist but I didn't really know too much about it.
In watching the many Youtube videos available now I learned about "Covert Narcissists" and realized that is what my ex and my father are. Wow.
Of course I'm not a doctor or Psychologist but I'm pretty sure my sister falls into this narcissist category somewhere. (On the spectrum)
My sister and I's conversation got me to thinking: And after she called me a hoe ("So you just f*** them?") we got disconnected (I hung up on her and blocked her)
But wait, Was I a "bad mother"? Noone's perfect- agreed -but I was a good mom. Still something's not right in my relationship with my kids! I always feel horrible after spending time with them, after begging and pleading with them to do something with me, then I don't even feel like they want to be with me.
So that same December after my middle daughter and her husband visited, some more things happened which caused me to decide I was not talking to them! Mommy's in time out: Just leave me alone.
O God, You know my folly; My wrongs are not hidden from You. Psalm 69:5
I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; My eyes fail while I wait [with confident expectation] for my God. Psalm 69: 3
So this situation pushed me further down what Lisa A Romano calls "The rabbit hole" (A reference to Alice in Wonderland)
I gave this bitch Samatha five stars and refunded her for her two weeks!!! So I thankfully had three different guests last week but I just now got paid 17$ Thanks alot Sam! I wanted my money back and I couldn't get that, the only thing I could do is respond to her negative review. I am a writer though- so I'm good at this plus her review was bullshit mostly "she's an introvet...Red talks too much...I went to my room to call a friend..." blah blah blah They also took down my positive review of her and she has no reviews! If I do anymore guests I won't do any- at all who have no reviews or bad reviews. I wonder if Sam might want to try to book another nice Airbnb sometime? Good luck with that!
Mommy's in time out, just leave me alone. I can't stand being alone. So I'll text my son(s) they seem to hate me less than my daughter's do. I made a plan to get lunch with my older son....then canceled.
I got my son to call me who moved to Colorado, yeah he's my "middle man" But I can't put him in the middle, he says "it's unhealthy" and he's right about that. Am I too proud to contact my daughters to "make amends"? I said to myself January 1st "I need a break" (I was not going to contact any of them first) but just like when I go on an eating plan aka "diet" I got lonely and depressed and "fell off the wagon" I said, "I'll pray for them and they can contact me when they're ready" I saw them in May when my youngest graduated from high school and I gave her a card with money in it. I got to sit with them even with my ex, this time which I didn't get to do at my son's college graduation. They even took pictures with me in them! Wow! My phone was dead, however, and I don't know how those pictures came out as I never saw them.
I believe in life long learning. I love books, but of course the internet is also awesome. I'm hoping to start doing regular YouTube videos on my main YouTube channel (And delete my extra ones when I figure out how!) Right now I'm learning more about me. I listen to people like Joyce Meyer, Christine Cain and Lisa Bevere still but I also listen to Lisa A. Romano, Ross Rosenberg, Dr Les Carter, Dr Ramani, Brené Brown, various Ted Talks ETC. I just recently found Brittani Louise Taylor's fun channel which I love. And a channel that more accurately describes where my faith and beliefs are right now is Brenda's channel which is called, "God Is Grey" Here is a recent video:
It was cool to me how I found this channel. Lauren Daigle's video; Rescue came out on July 20th when I was pretty much at rock bottom and my thoughts were scaring me.
I hear the whisper underneath your breath
I hear you whisper you have nothing left
Lauren Diagle, "Rescue"
So on the side bar of YouTube Brenda's channel came up because she has a video about Lauren.
I love Brené Brown because I feel she's a very balanced teacher. The Theodore Roosevelt quote she utilizes is very effective. I was listening to a teacher/life coach on Youtube who I really like! by the way and she was saying what was great about her daughter, "she really doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks about her....." and I thought "Oh really? What about what you think about her?" That's what is balanced about Brené, she acknowledges that some people's opinions DO count! She acknowledges that we were made for connecting with other human beings! That's why, I suppose, she brings in Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote:
Foot to the floor, man searching for the real thing
Need somebody else, sometimes ain't no shame
Head to the clouds sayin'
You don't have to have the answers
I will gather all the branches
I will light a fire for you
Rest your head 'til you've had rest enough
Hush, now hush
A purpose to live or to die
(This poem was on my Airbnb profile for probably a year)
There’s good things to eat,
Meeting new people is always a treat,
So pull up a chair and have s seat,
Cuddle up with my pooch,
Watch a movie,
Read a book,
Solve a puzzle,
We’ll talk way past midnight,
Learning to cope,
Leaning on God and not being a dope,
Yes He’s here,
So have no fear,
Get a new mindset,
Watch the birds and the squirrels,
See the sunset,
Call it Home
All these poems are from: RED; Redeemed- Equipped- Delivered
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