What Am I? Besides a Glutton for Punishment

 
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used be, although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

  

Sara Bareilles

NOTE: I HAD TAKEN THIS BLOG POST DOWN FOR A TIME AND JUST RETURNED IT. (AUG 2020) SOME OF THE LINKS ARE TO BLOG POSTS I TOOK DOWN ALSO BUT IF YOU WANT TO READ THEM YOU CAN REQUEST THAT I RETURN THOSE TOO OR I MAY DECIDE TO ON MY OWN EVENTUALLY. YOU NEVER KNOW WITH ME.
 

There's a line from the movie IRobot where the rogue robot who had learned to "feel" and Will Smith's character Spooner is trying to arrest because he knows he knows something about the death of Dr Lanning says, "What am I?"

 I also remember a time, years ago when I was talking to my sister about my husband and I's will. I don't know why on earth I am such a SLOW LEARNER and continued to talk to her about things which were none of her business and would no doubt offend her but.......I probably thought saying these things would draw her to God and "Save" her. Please admire my courage to say I was IGNORANT. But also truly committed to my convictions and Christian Fundamental beliefs. I thought I was right. So anyways I said to her that if, God forbid, something happened to Bob and I my kids would go to my brother Jon and his wife Joyce because, although at that time Joyce was not a Christian, Jon was/is and Joyce agreed to raise their two kids (My middle kids ages), Christian. My sister's reply to this was to begin yelling in the phone at me: "Well what the fuck am I?!"

I hesitantly told Bob about her response (hesitantly because usually if anyone was mad at me- he was on their side and I was always in the wrong) and (I believe this was because he wasn't present in our phone conversation) he said, "Well she needs to think about that" I was very pleased with my husband's response and felt a feeling that was very very rare: Validation. Wow!

 I am now asking myself this question that the robot in the movie and my sister asked and I think perhaps I should take my time in answering because, at this point, I am unsure and I don't know.....and that is Okay. Noone else can answer this question for me, either. I for years let people tell me who to be but I am not going to do that anymore.

 I used to be a Polyanna, Goody- Goody, June Cleaver.....and I thought everything would eventually come up roses. (NOT the "War of the Roses"!) After all I'm such a good girl God's going to make everything in my life peachy, as long as I do what I feel He wants me to, right? And if I must get a divorce? It's okay 'cause I'm such a "Good girl" God's gona send me a perfect Christian man on a white horse to come fix everything! 

 

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Led Zeppelin

 I recently posted this on facebook;
Not long after I moved in this house (August 2016) I celebrated my 50th birthday by going to the Georgia National Fair alone (Pretending pretty Polyanna was just Peachy!) In November my younger son and I picked me up a TV on Black Friday.

I spent much of that first year working on the house- trying to find a job and lying on my sofa with my dog watching "Grey's Anatomy" and/or crying, one night I heard Jon's unmistakable voice in the background of Grey's and realized he'd been doing this beautiful solo stuff......

The Cure for Pain- Jon Foreman 

 12-4-19 BTW I started watching Grey's Anatomy just a couple years ago because of my sister-in-law AND because I so related to April Kepner's redheaded (Extra conservative Evangelical fundamentalist- she drank though, I didn't before) character. I recently saw the season 14 episode: "Personal Jesus" and was thinking about the concept again of, "Life imitating art"

AND If I had seen this before? It would've probably pissed me off. I'd have been like, there they go painting Christians in a bad light. NOW I SAY, THERE THAT WRITER Shonda Rhimes, GOES BEING REAL AGAIN. Now I've had spoilers (From Youtube) cause I'm not caught up on episodes: Grey's is just too much to binge watch! Especially where I am emotionally right now. And it seems she gets her faith back but I don't think my story's going that way, but we will see........

Let me paint a picture for you: Imagine you believe something almost your whole life, then to discover it's not true: and you've poured your whole self into it for over 30 years? It's fucking traumatic!

I was a virgin before my ex- faithful to him 30 years . (He DID NOT want me to get a job- up until about the end- this is the only somewhat legitimate complaint he had, so he had to play on it: "She needs to stop this writing business and help pay for this big house I wanted to START building, that we don't even need anymore...." ) When we separated (Stopped having sex) in 2014 I stopped having sex and was CELIBATE (I highly doubt he was!) - in 2017 I get on a dating app and get date-raped.....then  celibate another year, lonely as hell especially because my kids seem mostly on their dad's side- cause I was awful? (No I wasn't that bad) and besides daddy has more bucks- daddy has a "regular job" he MUST be better  Then in August of  2018 Mohamad shows up at my Airbnb: It was like a fricken dream. I'm so NOT SORRY it happened!!!! Yep I am happy all of it happened. It was like my dream man showed up at my house to be my husband for the month! AND before he came there I had been very very depressed almost suicidal- after I go on ***vacation ( and by "vacation" I mean I drove to Ca. alone to meet Switchfoot, visit my family and go on a Missions trip to Mexico with the Newsboys) and come back home to reality and to the fact that I mostly had NOONE. Noone I was in regular contact with- noone that regularly texted or dropped by to check on me - NOONE THAT CARED. On a practical note, at the end of July I had asked my doctor to change my blood pressure medicine (I shouldn't have because it was only because of the inconvenience of having to cut the pill in half). Well the new medicine (because of a drug interaction perhaps) caused me to have chest pains! I knew I could text or call my daughter but we never spoke  and hardly texted and she's an RN and I was pretty sure she'd just say, "Go to the ER Mom" The next day I went to my general practitioner and they changed my medicine but also as a precaution sent me to the cardiologist. But just having something scary like that happen to you is bad enough, but ITS THAT MUCH WORSE when you feel you don't even have "a person"  (Grey's Anatomy) to call or text to even take you to the ER!  Add to that it's your fricken child who you were there for for 30 years! I got her (my daughter) to meet me at my cardiologist appointment which was next to the hospital where she worked. It was nice of her but it felt forced and I felt kinda like I guilted her into it. It wasn't really necessary but I wasn't really sure also- I still was on my husband's insurance but I still owe 26$ for that doctor's visit too! 

*** More explanation of vacation!

I was glad to be able to go (I had two great long term guests here at that time: Gladys who is back now for a temporary stay and The good Sam and my friend Cherity was overseeing my Airbnb) but the drive was stressful I was low on $$ I don't recommend driving across country alone and I was gone too long 3 weeks (I missed my baby boo) The Switchfoot Getaway was awesome (Not sure if I'll do that again or not) And it was Weird-Bitter-Sweet to go see my dad on the 4th of July. Also it was the last time I saw my brother Chris. (He passed away in December) This year I've been unable to go anywhere but a quick trip to Disney with Glad which was super great as I thought I was not going to go anywhere this year. I was happy to be able to go on two Mexico trips and two Cruises (2017-2018) my ex wouldn't take or let me go anywhere -those trips were during our separation - now that I'm actually divorced and got those credit card balances in our divorce settlement (which was fair) I have to be more frugal and pay off the rest and my lawyer!

                                              My family circa 1970

I recently came to the conclusion that I did the same thing -I finally realized my own mother did: I had all these kids to feel someone was here who connected to me more deeply than my own husband (Who was unable to do so) did. If we divorced I thought, at least I'll still have my kids......perhaps? I never ever thought we'd all become this Disconnected. 

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know

Somebody to have

Somebody to hold

It's easy to say

But it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

 Lewis Capaldi

  

A year ago (October 2018) I was still “with” Mo- he claimed to be back in Saudi but was planning to return to the states soon to marry me (I didn’t think that before but I do now) he said maybe October but definitely January (his visa was expiring in June)

 Also in October 2018, I had a series of Airbnb guests through here who I told about my love and a few of them warned me about the possibility that he just wanted his green card. One girl said, I don’t want you to get your heart broken. I replied. Not possible It’s already in pieces: broken by my children. No man can break my heart like that. And that was the reason it all happened anyways: I had absolutely nothing to lose! If I were in regular contact with my kids, involved in church with church friends, if I were in college to be a Pastor would I get involved with a Muslim man 25 years younger than me? Hell no! I had already been celibate 4 years was date raped the year before. I was lonely and vulnerable but not divorced yet! (it was finalized 2 weeks after he left!) Ha! Jokes on you Mo! I also wasn’t going to give up easily the alimony I worked -yes ma’am worked so hard to get! Mo gave up on me (mid October) and I could sense that so decided to get off the merry go round and break up with him in November of 2018. Yeah it hurt some when he said, “It’s weird that you think it (marriage) was a possibility” Wow he never had spoke to me in that manner before, ever! And that’s when I knew he was a fake! But my heart was already broken so........whatever

But perhaps that adage goes here also: Hurt people hurt people. I was a good mom but I know too, that I wasn't perfect and the way I was so religiously strict and let their father be so unrelenting and invalidating and sometimes even physically abusive to them was wrong. I am sorry, hopefully my kids and I will eventually work these things out and start spending time together more often. 
 

 A Recent facebook post:

So I came to a conclusion last December: I felt like most of my children were spending time with me because of some obligation: Oh it's Christmas I have to spend time with mom:CHECK Oh it's her birthday; Went to the fair with mom: CHECK. I no longer enjoyed it, nor did they NOR did I feel loved or respected or even liked! I felt I was only being simply TOLERATED and I couldn't tolerate that any longer! It has been a most difficult year but I DO feel it was necessary and that I have grown in many ways.

 I recently listened in one day to the book,

You Are Your Own: A Reckoning with the Religious Trauma of Evangelical Christianity

by Jamie Lee Finch and to say I enjoyed it- is incorrect- it resonated with me and convicted me because I raised my kids that way! I recently e-mailed it to my children- with no words because I had none- I thought I could just say, "I'm sorry" but for now perhaps they can give Jamie's book a listen when they have time. I think they are all in different places in their individual journeys and I am done pushing anything on anyone- wether it be their relationship with religion or no religion or even me!

 I'm also getting free weekly therapy at the health department.

I'm reading the book Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell PhD
 I'm finding this very helpful!

 Also continuing to learn alot from Brenda's channel: God Is Grey

 Someday maybe I'll write or YouTube about the Spiritual abuse I've been through and all the reasons why I finally decided to be identified as an #Exvangelical.
 

She's imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine  

Sara Bareilles

                                           Chicken Pot Pie!

 If I move on who does this? Nat
Maybe it doesn't need to be done. Cap "Avenger's Endgame"

 The poem below was inspired by the character, Black Widow in Marvel's Cinematic Universe. I draw a parallel to my own life; tears ran down my face when she spoke those words, 
"I used to have nothing, Then I got this job- this family....." Then she died.....It was PROFOUND and when I wrote about the date rape and Mo- the green card guy, I used the words to TSwifts, "Look What You Made Me Do" in which she says,
"I'm sorry, the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now."

"Why?"

"Oh, 'cause she's dead!"
She  (TSwift) meant she died, in a figurative way and so did I.

Natasha
In the Red room
They sterilize you
In the Red room you lost your virginity
Or did you lie to me?
I used to have nothing
Then I got this job- this family
even Airbnb
And I was better because of it
Now I have to give up that which I love most
Just to find myself?
What am I?
Who am I?
And even when they're all gone
I'm still here trying to be better....or worse?
Whatever it takes



 That's me!? Wow! DragonCon 2017

Deconstruct don't Self destruct!
I can't write
I can't cook
Nothing tastes right
I can't even make banana pudding from a box?
Should I swipe right?
What do you want?
What are you looking for?
What salary do you expect?
Are you gona send them a text?
I want out of this town!
But where should I go?
To the beach or the mountains,
To the East or the West?
If I move away will I see them less?
That doesn't seem possible
What do I want?
Trying to figure that out

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